Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.
10. “Sorry I’m a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore.”
9. “Show me how you used to spank her.”
8. “Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter.”
7. “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?”
6. “I just got my license today.”
5. “I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me
mature.”
4. “Five bucks says she’s a D-cup.”
3. “Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?”
2. “Hi. I’m Robert, but my friends call me ‘Back Door Bob.’”
1. “So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?
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July 3rd, 2009
It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.
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July 2nd, 2009
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yelled the customer, “with your hand on my steak?”
“What” answers the waiter, “You want it to fall on the floor again?”
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July 1st, 2009
This man walks into the kitchen, looks at his wife and says “My God, your ass is getting as big as a barbeque”. That night they are in bed and he is getting frisky. She turns to him and says “If you think that I am going to fire up the barbeque for one little wiener, then you’re crazy”.
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June 30th, 2009
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and
there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the
door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she
says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick
the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house
to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get
lost??”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the
right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed
and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”
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June 29th, 2009
A teacher writes on
the blackboard: I ain’t
had no fun all summer.
“Now how should I
correct that?”
Little boy: Get a hobby.
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June 28th, 2009
A blind man with his seeing eye dog are walking down a busy street in New York. The man comes to a cross walk to get to the other side of the busy street. The seeing eye dog proceeds to lead his master across the street in rush hour traffic. Cars are honking horns, screeching their brakes to avoid hitting the man and dog. The man finally makes it across the street, unbelievably safe and sound. The blind man reaches in his pocket for a dog biscuit. One man that witnessed this walked up to the blind man and said “Mister, I just saw that dog of yours take you across rush hour traffic, almost getting you killed and you are rewarding him?! The blind man said “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to see which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass!”
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June 27th, 2009
Billy Connolly desides to take a vacation. So he flies off to Canada for six weeks of hunting and camping.
The guide tells Billy they have hire all the equipement for the duration, Billy says (with his heavy scottish accent) “Oh eye that’s fantastic jimmy”. The guide also explains that they’ll be hunting moose, and bear, and fishing for salmon and they’ll be walking for eight hours before setting up camp. After eight hours of walking they set up camp, and settle down by the camp fire with a hot mug of coffee.
After about 5 minutes this huge moose comes barging through the camp and completely trashes it, while Billy and the guide dive for cover behind a bush and a boulder. Billy pops his head from behind the boulder and shouts (scottish accent) “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” The guide shouts back “THAT WAS A MOOSE!!!” Billy shouts back “IF THAT’S MOUSE, HOW BIG ARE THE FUCKING CATS AROUND HERE?
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June 26th, 2009
A man & his wife are in bed one night. The wife wants a bit of action from her husband, but he doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s there, he just continues reading a book. She keeps waiting & waiting for him to make his first move, but he doesn’t, so she gets disqusted & goes to sleep. 10 minutes later, she feels his fingers in her vagina, and says, “oh fred you finally want me?” He replies, “nah, I’m just wetting my fingers to turn the page”
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June 25th, 2009
An Irishman, a Scottishman and an Englishman are all going to be executed by a firing squad. The Englishman is taken out and told to face the wall so he does but just as they’re going to shoot him, he shouts “Earthquake!” and the firing squad runs away. Then they bring out the Scottishman and he faces the wall but just as they are going to shoot he shouts “Tidal Wave!” and the firing squad again runs away. The Irishman is brought out and they tell him to face the wall and just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the Irishman shouts, “Fire!”
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June 24th, 2009
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