On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”
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February 8th, 2010
Some fun things to do the next time you’re on one of those long international flights to kill time…
When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.
When there’s any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.
Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
Run down the aisle screaming, “He’s got a bomb! He’s got a bomb!”.
Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
“Accidental” soda spill on the dork next to you.
Give someone a coin, saying “Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don’t”.
Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling “We’re out of toilet paper! Stewardess!”.
Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.
Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.
Start a hot dog stand.
Steal businessman’s laptop, play solitaire on it.
Remark that perhaps you shouldn’t have put super glue in your underpants that morning.
Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.
Show off your Batman underwear.
Switch accents and see if anyone notices.
Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.
Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.
Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says “e”.
Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice “Why do they call it the COCKpit?” then snort as if it’s the funniest thing in the world.
Don’t use deodorant, then “accidentally” stick your armpit in someone’s face.
Sneeze, using somebody’s sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.
Snort when you laugh.
Tell corny jokes and laugh like it’s absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.
Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling “Yeee-ha!”.
With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say “Never mind. Do you have any towels?”.
Jump up and scream “AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!”.
Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they’re Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.
Pretend you’re flying the airplane.
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February 7th, 2010
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
“Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”
“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what
about the other?” “They called back!”
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February 6th, 2010
A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.
The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”
“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.
“S-i-c-k…” the man began. “No, s-i-c-a…..” no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I’ll call you back.”
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February 5th, 2010
This guy wins the lottery and decides to buy the nicest car he could find. He buys a Ferrari. It went 320 mph, had a V-12 engine, and went from 0-60 in 3 seconds. He thought nobody would be able to pass him. He decided to show his car off around town. He approaches a stoplight and at that stoplight came an old guy on a moped. The old guy says, “Nice car you have there can I take a look inside.” The man says, “Sure look around all you want.” When the old guy came out he said the car was all right. The guy who owned the Ferrari was pissed. His car was more than all right. So he decides to show the old man what his car could do. When the light turned green the man accelerated to 140 mph. just as the guy thought he had lost the old man he saw a black dot in his rear view mirror and it was gaining on him. IT WAS THE OLD GUY ON THE MOPED. The moped past the Ferrari. The guy in the Ferrari was like “no way.” He then sped up to 240 mph and dusted the moped. But just as the guy in the Ferrari thought he had it made he saw a black dot in his rear view mirror and it was gaining on him. IT WAS THE OLD GUY ON THE MOPED. The moped passed him again. The guy in the Ferrari was getting mad, how could a moped do this. The guy then said, “that’s it” and floored it. He blazed past the old man going 320 mph. The guy in the Ferrari said ” there’s no way he can pass me now. But just as he said that he saw a black dot in his rear view mirror and it was gaining on him. IT WAS THE OLD GUY ON THE MOPED. There was nothing the guy in the Ferrari could do. He was going as fast as he could. But this time the guy on the moped didn’t pass him; it hit the back of his car. The guy in the Ferrari stopped immediately and ran to the old man. Amazingly the old man was still alive. The guy asked the old man if there was anything he could do. The old man replied, ” Unhook my suspenders off of your rear view mirror.
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February 4th, 2010
A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”
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February 3rd, 2010
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
…Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
…Long Pause
……Longer Pause
………Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?”
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February 2nd, 2010
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are having lunch and discussing their kids. The brunette says, “I cant believe it…I went into my daughters purse and found a pack of cigarettes, I didn’t know my daughter smoked! The redhead jumps in and says, “you think that’s bad…. I went into my daughters purse and found a small bottle of vodka, I didn’t know my daughter drank!! The blonde then turns to them and says, “you think that’s bad, I went into my daughters purse and found a pack of condoms……I didn’t know my daughter had a PENIS!!!!!!
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February 1st, 2010
A bar in downtown providence had seen a lot of DUI’s lately. Therefore a cop decided to scope it out during closing time.
Right around when it was time to close the cop sees a guy come out of the bar stumbling left, then right. He tripped over the curb, dropped his keys and crawled to his car. After getting into his car he fumbled his keys around and finally got the car to the point of ignition.
As soon as he pulled out of the parking lot the cop pulled him over. He gave him field sobriety tests, in which he passed them all. Puzzled, the cop gives him a breathalyzer with a 0.0 reading. The cop says what gives to the driver.
His reply, I am the DD, designated decoy.
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January 31st, 2010
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall with row after row of clocks behind him.
The man asked St Peter, “What are all those clocks for?”
St Peter answered, “Those are lie-clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on the clock will move.”
Oh said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“Thats Mother Theresa’s clock. The hands have never moved, indicating she has never told a lie.”
“Incredible” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St Peter responded “Thats Abraham Lincolns clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s President Bush’s clock?” Asked the man.
“Bush’s clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan”
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January 30th, 2010
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