A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yelled the customer, “with your hand on my steak?”
“What” answers the waiter, “You want it to fall on the floor again?”
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Add comment September 3rd, 2010
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”
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Add comment September 2nd, 2010
A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
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Add comment September 1st, 2010
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week - ” he began. “Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. “Is he all right now?” “He must be,” said little Irving. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday”
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Add comment August 31st, 2010
Memory Class
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.
“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”
“A rose?” asked the neighbor.
“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”
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Add comment August 30th, 2010
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
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Add comment August 29th, 2010
There’s a hitch-hiker waiting for a ride, and then a semi comes along, and the driver decides to pick him up. So after a couple of minutes of silence, the truck driver asks, “Hey, wanna see a trick?”
“Sure,” replies the hitch-hiker. So the driver calls up a monkey from the back, smacks it, and it gives him a blowjob.
“Hey, you want some of this action?” asks the driver, and the hitch-hiker replies, “Sure, just don’t smack me so hard.”
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Add comment August 28th, 2010
One Day, Norma Elizondo Had an idea about making homemade water. So She Decided to make a glass to have her housemaid Eva Taste Test. She had made it successfully, and handed the glass to Eva. Eva Took a Sip and spit it out on the floor. Eva Complained about how Acidic the water tasted. Norma says “It shouldn’t be. It came fresh from my stomach and up through my mouth!”
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Add comment August 27th, 2010
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I cant wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I cant get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”
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Add comment August 26th, 2010
An Irishman, a Scottishman and an Englishman are all going to be executed by a firing squad. The Englishman is taken out and told to face the wall so he does but just as they’re going to shoot him, he shouts “Earthquake!” and the firing squad runs away. Then they bring out the Scottishman and he faces the wall but just as they are going to shoot he shouts “Tidal Wave!” and the firing squad again runs away. The Irishman is brought out and they tell him to face the wall and just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the Irishman shouts, “Fire!”
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Add comment August 25th, 2010
