Hooker: “Well sweetheart, did you get your money’s worth?”
Mistress: “Darling, did you enjoy that as much as I did?”
Wife: “Beige, beige…I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”
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Add comment March 13th, 2010
Two rednecks, Bubba And Billy Bob, were walking through a pasture. Bubba sees a sheep caught up in a fence and says to Billy Bob “I’m gonna get me some of that”! Bubba goes over and sticks the sheep’s back feet in his rubber boots, unzips his pants and starts to have sex with the sheep. He looks over his shoulder at Billy Bob and says “Do you want some of this”? Billy Bob replies “yes let me see if I can get my shirt caught up in the fence”.
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Add comment March 12th, 2010
Customer: “My mouse doesn’t work any more.”
Tech Support: “Is it an optical or ball mouse?”
Customer: “Huh?”
Tech Support: “Does it have a ball or light?”
Customer: “It has an light on top.”
Tech Support: “On top?”
Customer: “Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it’s on top.”
Tech Support: “Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk.”
Customer: “Oh! It works!”
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Add comment March 11th, 2010
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there�s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
Exercise 1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn�t effective enough.
Exercise 2
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your mammogram!
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Add comment March 10th, 2010
There were women waiting in a doctor’s office.
They started talking and one women said, “I’m going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I’m going to have another girl.”
One of the other ladies said, “I’m going to have a boy, I was on the top.”
The last lady started to cry.
The two other ladies asked, “Why are you crying?”
She replied, “I’m going to have puppies!!!”
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Add comment March 9th, 2010
Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man’s arm around the woman. The man says “Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin’” The woman replies, “That’s right, Daddy.”
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Add comment March 8th, 2010
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
[waiter leaves]
Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
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Add comment March 7th, 2010
This bartender is in a fun bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?” He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?” She replies, “I don’t know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…” Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I’m pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.” She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking “I’m in!!!” She goes, “Can you give the manager something for me?” The bartender nods…yes. “Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”
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Add comment March 6th, 2010
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”
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Add comment March 5th, 2010
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
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Add comment March 4th, 2010
