Archive for July, 2006
A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.
The artist says, “Sure.”
She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, “Merry Christmas.”
Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
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July 31st, 2006
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” he replies.
“Can you get him for me — I need to speak to him.” She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid that I can’t,” breathes the barman, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”
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July 30th, 2006
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out. “Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”
Mom and dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
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July 29th, 2006
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper.’”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.”
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”
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July 28th, 2006
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
“What time does the bar open?” he asks.
“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”
The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”
“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”
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July 27th, 2006
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
“Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”
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July 26th, 2006
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: “Ah, you’re an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You’ve had too good of a life, so now you can’t come in here.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we’ve got music in every room. There’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now.”
Satan shouts back, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right… and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?”
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July 25th, 2006
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”
This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
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July 24th, 2006
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”
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July 23rd, 2006
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even
looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his
kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:
“Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour,
who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?”
And a great voice was heard from above:
“BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”
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July 17th, 2006
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