A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true. “I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.
The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”
Add comment August 31st, 2006
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: “When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs. There were also strange sounds at all hours. The man was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
One day, he died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, his wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: “Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man practiced black magic and stated that when he died, he would dig his way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down.”
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Add comment August 30th, 2006
A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.
She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, “Who can tell me what this is?”
A little girl raised her hand.
“Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?”
“It’s a cow, teacher.”
“Very good, Janie,” said the teacher.
Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “What does your mommy call your daddy when she’s trying to be ‘lovey-dovey’?”
Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, “I know, Teacher. It’s a big horny bastard!”
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Add comment August 29th, 2006
Nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘Definitely’ in a sentence?”
First a little girl says “The sky is definitely blue” Teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange…”
Second little boy…”Trees are definitely green” “Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
“Does a fart have lumps?”
The teacher looks horrified and says…”Johnny! Of course not!!!”
“OK…then I DEFINITELY shit my pants…”
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Add comment August 28th, 2006
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more since he hadn’t caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?”
The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”
“What was that?” the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”
“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.”
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”
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Add comment August 27th, 2006
A man approached his family physician and said,
“Doc, I’m afraid you’ll have to remove my wife’s tonsils one of these days.”
The doctor pulled out the family’s medical file and exclaimed,
“Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?”
“No,” the husband retorted, “but you’ve heard of a man having two wives, haven’t you?”
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Add comment August 26th, 2006
Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”
“What?” his father replied.
“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”
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Add comment August 25th, 2006
A woman walked into the doctor’s but didn’t like the way he was looking at her. When he told her to undress she asked him to turn out the lights before she disrobed. After he turned out the lights she said:
“Where will I put my clothes?”
“Hang them up over here,” he replied, “next to mine.”
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Add comment August 24th, 2006
Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he’s late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour’s to get her bred by a bull.
Annoyed, teacher demands, “Can’t your father do that?” Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, “Well, sure… but the bull can do it better.”
Add comment August 23rd, 2006
At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. “Thank Heavens!”, he cried out in relief….. “I am saved!”
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. “You can’t judge me for this,” he insisted. “I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!”
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Add comment August 22nd, 2006
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