Archive for September, 2006
A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.
“I’ll have a bourbon and Coke!”
The man then turns to his dog and asks, “What are you going to have, Rover?”
“I’ll have a Scotch and soda — light on the soda,” says Rover.
The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. “Come on,” he says, “that dog can’t talk — you’re a ventriloquist!”
“No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself — but don’t let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog.”
The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.
“Hey, where’s my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight.”
“Aw, I didn’t believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper.”
“Let’s go look for him,” said the man.
The two went to the drugstore — no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets — no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.
Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, “How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!”
“First time I ever had any money!”
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September 6th, 2006
There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.
The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.
A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.
“So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren’t disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.”
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September 5th, 2006
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
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September 4th, 2006
While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.
The Pope asked, “What is your sin?”
“I hired people to break into the Watergate Hotel.”
The Pope replied, “Kneel down. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”
Next in line was Bill Clinton. “What was your sin, son?”
“I cheated on my wife.” The Philanderer in Chief replied.
“Kneel down, my son. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”
A third person came up and the Pope asked, “What is your name?”
“Monica Lewinsky.” The Pope stroked his chin. “Hmmmm….. Perhaps you should remain standing.”
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September 3rd, 2006
Two girls and a guy are trespassing in a farmers field, and the farmer catches them, and decides to take them to court. During the next month, they go to court, and the farmers lawyer asks the first girl.
“What were you doing during the time you was inside that field.”
The girl replies… “i was blowing bubbles.”
The next girl was asked the exact same question, and she replied:
“Blowing bubbles”
The lawyer then goes on to the man and says “let me guess, you were blowing bubbles too.”
And the man replies:
“No, i am bubbles!”
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September 2nd, 2006
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:
“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.” Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that “it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.
September 1st, 2006
