Archive for July, 2007
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says that, in England, people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that, in Russia, you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says that, in France, you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA, you call it a rumour, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
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July 21st, 2007
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!”
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July 20th, 2007
Reasons it’s great to be a guy:
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- Movie nudity is virtually always female.
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.
- Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
- When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
- All your orgasms are real.
- You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
- Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- You don’t have to shave below your neck.
- None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
- You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
- If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.
- You can write your name in the snow.
- Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
- Flowers fix everything.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
- You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
- Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
- You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me”.
- The world is your urinal.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- One mood, all the time
- You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.
- You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
- Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
- You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.
- With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
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July 19th, 2007
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter’s station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Not to worry,” Peter said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”
“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”
“Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”
“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”
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July 18th, 2007
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”
“Moses,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot”, sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Moses?”
The parrot replied, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”
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July 17th, 2007
This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he’d like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”
“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”
“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”
“Yeah?” The guy asks. “Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it cause of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”
“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy … and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.”
The guy looks at the price tag. “$200!” He says, “I can’t afford that.”
“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
“Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer.”
The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the mailman.”
“What?” says the guy.
“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”
“What happened then?” Asks the guy.
“Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.
“Oh No!” the guy says, “Then what?”
“Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down…”
The parrot pauses for a long time. “What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.
“I don’t know,” says the parrot, “I fell off my perch.”
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July 16th, 2007
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend’s birthday and as they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the girl friend’s younger sister, he went to Herrod’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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July 15th, 2007
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer:
Get off the children’s “Merry-Go-Round”, you’re drunk.
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July 14th, 2007
A salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, “Hello.”
SALESMAN: “Is your mommy there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “Yes.”
SALESMAN: “Can I speak with her?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “She’s busy.”
SALESMAN: “Is your daddy there?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “Yes.”
SALESMAN: “Can I speak with him?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “He’s busy.”
SALESMAN: “Is there anyone else there?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “The fire department.”
SALESMAN: “Can I talk to one of them?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “They’re busy.”
SALESMAN: “Is there anybody else there?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “The police department.”
SALESMAN: “Well, can I talk to one of them?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “They’re busy.”
SALESMAN: “Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department and the police department are all in your house, and they’re all busy. What are they doing?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “They’re looking for me.”
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July 13th, 2007
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland.” George W. said, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One”.
The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.” George W. said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”
The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!” George W. was a little perplexed by this and said, “But you don’t look like you are handicapped.” The kid replied, “I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”
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July 12th, 2007
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