Archive for August, 2007
Let’s see if I understand how America works lately…
If a woman burns her thighs on a hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the retaurant.
If your teenage son kills himself, you blame rock and roll music or the musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs of cigarettes a day for forty years and you die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco companies.
If your teenage daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbour crashes his car into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean needles.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world anymore, so if I die while I am parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates. Ok?
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August 31st, 2007
Tale 1: “I was watching the local news this morning when the anchor reported that the police had arrested two suspects for an extremely brutal murder in our area. The reporter stood there with a straight face and said that the District Attorney’s office was going for the death penalty because they had proof that the victim was alive just moments before his death.”
Tale 2: I bought a microphone for singing, which I returned to the store after trying it out (according to their policy). The salesperson asked me why I was returning it, and I told her that I was returning it because it didn’t work properly. She responded, “Did you open it?”
Tale 3: One day my (now ex-) wife called the Help Desk at the hospital that I worked at to tell them that I had left my pager at home that day. She was not sure where I was at the time, and figured the Help Desk would track me down to tell me to go home to get my pager. The Help Desk paged me with the Help Desk extension displayed.
She then called the Help Desk again, and told them that the pager was in her hand, and that paging me was pointless, since it was not on my person. They paged me again, with my home number, to tell me that my wife had my pager.
Tale 4: I am a reference librarian. I had an Induhvidual come up to me yesterday wanting help finding Internet sites for her class project. She found the perfect site the day before, but being an Induhvidual, did not bookmark it or write down the URL. So, the question I got was, “I need to find that web page with a yellow background that I found on this computer yesterday.”
Tale 5: I recently had trouble with my cellular service. I called the Support Hotline and waited thirty minutes for a human response. The tech asked the make and model of my phone. I informed the tech that I could see no model number on the phone. He said, “Take the battery off and look inside. The model number is printed there.” I said if I take the battery out, I’ll lose the connection. He said, “That’s okay. I’ll hold.”
Tale 6: A customer called me the other day to complain that the contract delivery people had scratched her countertop, and that the delivery company would not accept the damage claim because the customer’s maid had signed a form stating the damage was pre-existing. The customer told me her maid Maria neither read nor wrote English and would not have realized what it was she was signing. When I called the delivery company to press home this point, they replied, “The maid must have known what she was signing because she signed her name in English”.
At that point I was at a loss for words.
Tale 7: There’s this Induhvidual in my office who got a new PC that has a blank-screen screensaver that comes up after about twenty minutes without activity. Returning from lunch the first day, he was aghast to find his monitor “not working.” So he gave it the good old-fashioned whack on the side. Lo and behold, the vibrations carried to the mouse and his monitor “worked”!!
Now, every day, on returning from lunch, he fixes the “loose connection” in his monitor with a whack.
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August 30th, 2007
A man walking on the beach found an empty bottle. He picked up the bottle and a genie popped out. “You have freed me from that bottle,” said the genie. “I will grant you three wishes, but for every wish you make every lawyer in the world gets doubled of what you wished for.”
“OK,” said the man. “For my first wish I want to have 10 million dollars.” “Remember now, every lawyer has just received 20 million dollars.” “No problem!”
“For my second wish I want a brand new car.” “Remember now every lawyer in the world has just recived 2 brand new cars.”
“And for my third wish I want to donate a kidney.”
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August 29th, 2007
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland.” George W. said, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One”.
The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.” George W. said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”
The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!” George W. was a little perplexed by this and said, “But you don’t look like you are handicapped.” The kid replied, “I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”
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August 28th, 2007
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”
“My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.” Age 10
“When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.” Age 5
“I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a lawn mower.” Age 11
“I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.” Age 13
“I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor.” Age 14
“I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?” Age 15
“Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: ‘A truck!’” Age 15
“It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.” Age 8
“Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.” Age 10
“Home is where the house is.” Age 6
“Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.” Age 15
“It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.” Age 5
“Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.” Age 13
“For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.” Age 6
“The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”" Age 15
“Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right?” Age 15
“I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks.” Age 15
“If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be…until the looting started.” Age 15
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August 27th, 2007
“I’m going fishing.” Really means…”I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“It’s a guy thing.” Really means….”There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?” Really means….”Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” Really means….Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“It would take too long to explain.” Really means…”I have no idea how it works.
“We’re going to be late.” Really means….”Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.” Really means….”I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”
“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.” Really means….”I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That’s interesting, dear.” Really means….”Are you still talking?”
“It’s a really good movie.” Really means….”It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women.”
“That’s women’s work.” Really means….”It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
“You know how bad my memory is.” Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.” Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.” Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.” Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
“I can’t find it.” Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“What did I do this time?” Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”
“I heard you.” Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
“You know I could never love anyone else.” Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“You look terrific.” Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.” Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.”
“We share the housework.” Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
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August 26th, 2007
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called,
“Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?
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August 25th, 2007
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shoot! My glass eye!”
6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”
11. Say, “Interesting….more sinkers than floaters”
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
15. Say, “Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”
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August 24th, 2007
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
12 . “God, now I know why I am not gay.”
And the best one of all..
13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
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August 23rd, 2007
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices the man sitting next to him is looking into a box. After a while, his curiosity gets the best of him, so he leans over and looks into the box. Inside is a miniature man playing a miniature piano. “… that’s amazing, where did you get it?”, he asked. His barmate answers, “This is my wish. There’s a genie out back in the alley and he is granting wishes.”
The guy finds this hard to believe, so he walks out back to the alley, and to his surprise, there is a genie. The genie asks him what he would like to have for a wish, and the guy answers, “I would like to have a million bucks!” Then suddenly, there are a million ducks flying around his head, quacking and flapping their wings.
He goes back into the bar and says to the barmate, “That’s a poor excuse of a genie! I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million DUCKS!” His barmate turns away from the box he’s looking into and replies, “I guess you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
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August 22nd, 2007
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