Archive for November, 2007
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: “So, where y’all from?”
The girl from New York said: “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: “So, where y’all from, BITCH?”
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November 30th, 2007
Starbucks in Hell
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn’t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn’t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”
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November 29th, 2007
We had gay burgalars once. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
A friend will call you in Jail. A good friend will visit you in Jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you in Jail saying…”THAT WAS AWESOME!”
Blue whales can produce over 400 gallons of sperm in one ejaculation. Only 10% of that makes it to the mate. That means that 360 gallons of sperm are let into the ocean every time a whale ejaculates. Try not to swallow to much ocean water… and maybe females should refrain from swimming… I wonder if they can get pregnant with whale babies??
Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply. Leave good message. Me reply fast. But if me no like you, kiss my ass.
A B C D E F G, Gummie Bears are after me!!!! One is Red, one is Blue, a Yellow one just stole my shoe!
There are three kinds of people in the world… those who can count, and those who can’t.
Only in America do they leave the doors of the bank open, but chain the pens to the desk.
My whipped iced dairy drink brings the attentions of many males to my place of residence and/or employment, and they declare that its quality far surpasses that of yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the proverbial recipe, but I would have to demand compensation.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
One time I tried to drown my fish… It didn’t work too well.
If you are the cable company, I already sent the money. If you are my family, please give me money. If you are my employer, you didn’t pay me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
Dashing through the snow, in a pair of broken skis, screaming as I go, ramming into trees,(boomboomboom) snow is turning red, I think I’m almost dead, someone call an ambulance, ’cause I need a hospital bed. Oh, Jingle bells…
Sorry, but I’m away right now. Please leave your name, phone number, where you live, where you hide your money, and the times in which you’re not home, and I’ll get right back to you.
My doctor is so stupid. He says that I have a condition called ADD. He told me that it stood for Attention Def- Hey look! A butterfly!
Last night, when I was camping, I was looking up at the stars wondering… WHERE THE HECK IS MY CEILING???
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
I am currently alphabetizing my M&M’s. Can you tell me what letter to start with?
My keyboard is racist. It has a +, but no Star of David key.
Booty Shakin* Heart Brakin* Madd Hott* Never stop* Short Skirt* Luv 2 flirt* Tyte Jeans* Curvy Hips* Glossed Lips* High Class* Nice Ass* Bangin Style* Sexy Smile* Luscious Thighs* Candy Eyes* Temptin Lips* KilLa Kiss* Tell me can u handle this?
Searching for friends on EBay!
Downloading life… 30%…60%…90%…Complete. Downloading good looks… 0%….0%….0%….0%… - Geek reality
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, BUT, only takes 4 muscles to bitch-slap that little fuck upside the head.
Beer, Drugs, Rock n Roll - Speed, Weed, Birth Control - Life’s a bitch and then you die, So fuck this shit - let’s get high!
Love is a sensation caused by a temptation for a guy to stick his location into a girl’s destination for a generation and hope for duplication. Do you understand this explanation, or do u need a demonstration?
If you sleep with a girl without protection, you’re having sex with everyone your partner had sex with before. So, if your girlfriend slept with a guy, who slept with your ex g/f, who you slept with, technically you could be screwing yourself.
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November 28th, 2007
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a very attractive blonde woman from Northeast Tennessee arrived. She bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.” With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, “Come on, baby….Southern Girl needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down….and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.”
Moral - Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men… are men.
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November 27th, 2007
A man goes to Las Vegas and bets everything he owns. He loses it all. All he has left is the clothes on his back, and his ticket home. When leaving, he gets in a cab and says how much to the airport. The cab driver says 50$. The man offers to give the driver all of his insurance details, and that he would pay the driver back another time. The cab drivers says piss off you cheap skate bastard. The man walks to the airport, misses hi flight and catches another one.
3 years later the buisness man returns quite rich and healthy. He bets all his money again and win over triple what he bet. When he leaves his hotel, there are 15 cabs all lined up. At the end he notices that the driver of the last cab, was the driver who had said no 3 years ago
So the man goes to the front cab and says to the driver, how much to the airport, the driver says 50$. The man says how much for a blow job, the driver tells him to bugger off. The man does this in the next 13 cabs and he gets rejected every time. When he gets to the last cab, the one which had the driver which had denied him a ride 3 years ago.
He gets in the cab and says, how much to the airport. The driver says 50$. The man says take me there. When they drive past all the other cabs the buisness man sticks up his thumbs, and grins at them.
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November 26th, 2007
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I’m a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign? Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.
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November 25th, 2007
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
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November 24th, 2007
After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain’s MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 called the White House with this reply, “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”
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November 23rd, 2007
One day, a young woman came into the doctor’s office, complaining of some pain. The doctor asked her, “Where is this pain?”
The woman replied, “Oh doctor, I hurt all over!”
The doctor looked at her and said, “Well, ‘all over’ is pretty vague, could you be more specific?”
“It’s just all over,” the woman started. She touched her knee with her index finger, “Ouch! That hurts!” Then she touched her cheek with the same finger, “Ouch! That hurts too!” she cried. And then she touched her ear lobe, “Ouch! You see? Even THAT hurts!” She looked at the doctor, waiting for his diagnosis.
“Are you a natural blond?” inquired the doctor.
“Why, yes,” replied the blond, “why do you ask?”
“Ah ha!” returned the doctor, his look of confusion replaced with confidence, “That explains it! You have a broken finger.”
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November 22nd, 2007
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks him to help revive her husband’s sex drive. “How about trying Viagra?” suggests the doctor. “Not a chance,” she replies. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.” “No problem,” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee and he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things have worked out.”
A week later, the elderly woman returned to the doctor. “Well, how did things go?” he asked. “Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor.” “Really? What happened?” he asked. “Well, I did as you suggested and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up and swept the cutlery off the table. Then, he ripped my clothes off and made passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”
“What was terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not so good?” “Oh, no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but I’ll never be able to show my face at Burger King again.”
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November 21st, 2007
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