Archive for April, 2008
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”
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April 30th, 2008
A dog walks into a butcher shop, spends a number of minutes looking at the meat on display, and eventually indicates with a nod of his head and a bark that he would like some lamb chops.
The butcher, thinking the dog would know no better, picks up the lowest quality chops in the shop.
The dog barks furiously and continues to bark until the butcher selects the finest chops from the display counter.
The butcher weighs the meat and asks the dog for $5.90. Again, the dog barks furiously until the butcher reduces the bill to the correct price of $3.60.
The dog hands over a five dollar note and the butcher gives him 40 cents in change. Once again, the dog barks continuously until the butcher tenders the correct change. The dog then picks up his package and leaves the shop.
Now, the butcher is extremely impressed and decides that he would like to own a dog so clever. He shuts up shop and follows the dog to see where it goes.
After ten minutes or so, the dog climbs the steps to a house. When it gets to the top, it shakes its head as though in frustration, gently places the package of meat on the floor and, standing on its hind legs, rings the doorbell.
A man opens the door and starts to yell obscenities at the dog. As he does so, the horrified butcher leaps up the steps and begs the man to stop. “It’s such an intelligent dog,” he says, “surely it doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment.”
He then went on to explain how the dog had procured the best lamb chops in the shop, insisted on paying the advertised price and quibbled over incorrect change!
The man looked at the butcher and said, “Intelligent he may be, but this is the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys”.
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April 29th, 2008
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
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April 28th, 2008
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look friend, don’t EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologizes and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years!
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April 27th, 2008
One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, “If I died, would you remarry?”
Peter thought for a second then said “Yeah I guess I would”.
Then his the wife asked, “well would you have her as your golfing partner?”
Peter replied, “yep I probably would do that too”.
“But surely you wouldn’t give her my clubs?!”, she cried.
Peter looked at her and said, “Nah, shes left handed.”
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April 26th, 2008
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
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April 25th, 2008
Why it is so cool to be a woman
We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.
Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.
We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Systems support men always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.
We got off the Titanic first.
Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.
We have total control over our eyebrows.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
It’s cool to be a daddy’s girl. It’s sad to be a mommy’s boy.
We can cry to get out of speeding fines.
The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts… and pool… and football.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers… men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We know that games are fun, but don’t believe there’s a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our… womanhood.
Taxis stop for us.
We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.
We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a ‘ruck’ (or any other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.
We never recognize ourselves in aspects of Mr. Bean. Ever.
We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
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April 24th, 2008
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party.
During the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”
As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.
The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.
Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, “My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”
The man says, “Listen, I don’t want your money. I don’t want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!”
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April 23rd, 2008
A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”
She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”
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April 22nd, 2008
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity!
At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’
Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophet Jimmy.”
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Don’t use any punctuation.
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.
Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in stall 3.”
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.
Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!”
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that do.”
Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
Every time you see a broom yell, “Honey, your mother is here!”
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April 21st, 2008
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