Archive for May, 2008
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea - why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she’ll probably be thrilled.”
So the that’s what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” said Joe.
“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.
“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”
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May 31st, 2008
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
The Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 5 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”
“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.
“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”
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May 30th, 2008
“Fine”
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
“Five Minutes”
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
“Nothing”
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.
“Go Ahead”
This is a dare, not permission, DON’T DO IT!
“Loud Sigh”
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.
“That’s Okay”
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
“Thanks”
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you do not question it, just say you’re welcome and back out of the room slowly.
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May 29th, 2008
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
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May 28th, 2008
1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don’t even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you’re cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
9. It doesn’t take much to make you happy. You’re always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
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May 27th, 2008
There was a gas station in
“redneck country” trying to increase its gas sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-up.”
Soon a “redneck” customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7).”
“Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time.”
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.
The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free
sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged. He doesn’t give away free sex.”
The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged — my wife won twice last week.”
……………..
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May 26th, 2008
A bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day.
The lawyer got out of his Ferrari, and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault…
“YOU STUPID HICK!” shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls and tangled beard.
“Hick, huh?” thought the redneck. “How am I gonna get outa this?”
After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks, and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle of whiskey, and brought it back.
Mister Hotshot was checking his suit and shoes to make sure they were not dirty.
He handed it to the lawyer, and said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It’ll steady your nerves…. IT’S HOMEMADE…”
Mister Big City Lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak.
The redneck then said, “You still look a little bit pale. How about another?” The smug, pompous lawyer took another swallow.
After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun through his wool suit.
Then the redneck said, “It’s mighty hot today. Folks ‘roun here don’t usually wear shoes on a day like this. Why don’t you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?”
The lawyer frowned, “Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who would walk around barefoot? That’s fine for rednecks, but not for a professional like ME! These are $500 shoes!”
But after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and finally the lawyer let out a drunken laugh, and took off his polished shoes and socks.
Then the redneck said, “Why don’t you take off that fancy tie?”
“Take off my tie?” said the lawyer with a sneer and slur in his voice. “I’m a lawyer!!!” Then he looked down at his bare feet and took off his tie…
The redneck said, “And the suit? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit! I got another pair of overalls you can wear while we figger out what to do about this situation!”
The lawyer tried to give him an arrogant look, but he was feeling the heat of the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but…
Off came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the white shirt. Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls.
At the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.
The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up.
After another half hour, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn’t think that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn’t find the redneck…
or his expensive clothes…
“Not me”, the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree and wearing the lawyer’s clothes and holding the keys to his Ferrari.
He looked at the formerly well-dressed and dignified lawyer, sitting in the dirt, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and transformed into a true redneck,
“I’m waiting for the state trooper.” . . . . . .
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May 25th, 2008
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as ‘Rocky’ in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back three more times tonight too.”
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May 24th, 2008
Little Johnny has a speech impediment. His father taught to him to always be polite to people.
The first day of school, Johnny gets on the bus, remembering what his father told him, says to the bus driver, “Doog moaning buth driber,”
The bus driver slaps him in the mouth, and sends him to the back of the bus.
This goes on for four days.
Finally, Johnny tells his father the problem, “Fatter you tell me to be pollite, but when I do the buth driber shlaps my in ma faith.”
His father says, “Tomorrow I will wait at the bus with you.”
The next day, there they are waiting for the bus. When it arrives Johnny’s father says, “Go on Johnny get on the bus and be polite.”
Johnny does but looks to his father with fear in his eyes.
His father says, “Go on Johnny.”
So Johnny, wanting to be as polite as possible says, “Doog moaning buth driber.”
With that the bus driver raises his hand in an attempt to strike Johnny in the face, but before he can Johnny father grabs the drivers hand.
He asks, “Why do you smack my son, when all he is doing is being polite?”
The bus driver says, “Betause heeth making fun of me”
……………..
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May 23rd, 2008
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”
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May 22nd, 2008
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