Archive for July, 2008
Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as “Bonkistry.” He has been around forever, so I wouldn’t put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
……………..
Check out Plumper-Lips.net for juicy lips ! Get Plumper Lips today!
July 31st, 2008
Nice shirt. Can I try it on after we have sex?
Mines bigger than his. Want proof?
I’m like Domino’s Pizza. If I don’t cum in 30 minutes, the next one is free.
Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under
Look out in the night sky. You see that bright light. It’s a comet that is streaking towards us. It will be here in about 3 hours. So would you like to have sex?
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his aspiration, in a girl’s reception, to increase the population, for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
……………..
Advanced Trim ingredients are clinically proven to help you lose weight. Get more info at AdvancedTrim.com
July 30th, 2008
Assmosis
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Salmon day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM
Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behavior)
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”
Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404
Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located. “Don’t bother asking him . . . he’s 404, man.”
Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it towork again.
……………..
Get rid of your stretch marks at Stretch-Mark.net ! Buy Stretch Mark Cream today!
July 29th, 2008
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. “Isn’t that just like an engineer, we’re looking for the height and he gives us the length.”
……………..
Want a date? Check out 123Personals.com ! The best Online Personals !
July 28th, 2008
A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break … but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren’t doing everything and anything to help their son … Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-Roms, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass.
Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.
They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with mat books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card - unopened - in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?
Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!
“Was it the nuns that did it?”, the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, “No.”
“Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?”, asked the mother.
Again, the boy shrugged, “No.”
“The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?”, asked the father.
“Nope,” said the son. “It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!”
“How so?”, asked his mom.
“When I walked into the lobby, the first thing I saw was that guy they’d nailed to the plus sign!”
……………..
Get rid of cellulite at Cellulite-Reduction.biz ! Buy Cellulite Reduction today!
July 27th, 2008
“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM”
We have no time to train you.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.
“CAREER-MINDED”
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
……………..
Get rid of Acne at Acne-Control.biz ! Buy Acne Control today!
July 26th, 2008
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.” What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
No need to boil.
Cats can’t steal it.
Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
……………..
Buy Hoodia online at Order-Hoodia.net ! Get Hoodia today!
July 25th, 2008
First, I’d like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then, I’ll move up to your belly button.
You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me
May I pleasure you with my tongue?
Do you like cheesy pickup lines or do you just want to do it?
……………..
Get bridesmaids gifts and all wedding products at BrightWedding.com
July 24th, 2008
What’s Your Business Sign?
(1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least >>compatible with Sales.
(2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
(3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
(4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”
(5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
(6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
(7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.”
(8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)
(9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions.
(10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
(11) RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER”
As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
(12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
(13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job….Thus the term “GO POSTAL”
……………..
Want to stop smoking? Check out Quit-Smoking-Patch.net! Buy the Quit Smoking Patch today !
July 23rd, 2008
Mom goes to son’s room to wake him up. “Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!” Son, in a surly mood says, “I don’t want to go to school!” Mother insists, “You must, son, now come on!” Son replies, “I don’t want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don’t want to go!” Mother says, gently, “Son, you know you have to go to school.” “Why do I have to go to school?” Mother replies, “Because you’re the PRINCIPAL!”
……………..
Want a date? Check out 123Personals.com ! The best Online Personals !
July 22nd, 2008
Previous Posts
