Archive for August, 2008
Three guys are drinking at the local bar.
The first one brags, “I married me a good woman from North Dakota.I told her that she was to do all the cleaning, cooking and laundry.
The first day we was married, she did the cleaning. The second day we was married, she was doing the cleaning and cooking.
By the third day we was married, she cooked, cleaned and had all the laundry done. She’s been doing everything ever since! That’s those good women from North Dakota.”
The second guy brags, “I married me a good woman from Wisconsin. I told her that she was to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, yard work and keep me and my friends happy.
The first day I saw she could cook and clean.
The second day I saw she could cook, clean, do the laundry and take care of the lawn.
The third day I saw she cooked a five course meal, cleaned the house, did the laundry, weed wacked and edged the lawn, and she brought me and my friends beers! Thats those good women from Wisconsin.”
The third guy remained silent for awhile and then spoke up, “I married me a woman from Minnesota.
I told her my home is my castle and I am the king and ruler and what I say goes!
The first day, I didn’t see anything. The second day, I couldn’t see anything either.
By the third day, the swelling was going down in my left eye and I could see out a little bit.”
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August 31st, 2008
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”
“One penny!” exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, “Yes.”
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”
“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“4 cents”, the bartender replies.
“Four cents!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the man who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same thing I’m doing to his business.”
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August 30th, 2008
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go…
Two bulls eyes!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.
Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize… grabs a turtle from the bar’s terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass… The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again.
To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.
The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn’t know what to give, so he asks the drunk, “Say, what did you win the last time?”
And the drunk responds, “A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!”
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August 29th, 2008
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could by him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”. “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man asks, “Where in Ireland asre you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it says the first man.
“I’m from Dublin too Let’s have another drink to Dublin!” the men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”
“St. Mary’s,” replied the second man. “i graduated in ‘62.”
“This is unbelivable, “the first man says. “I went to St. Mary’s and i grduated in ‘62, too!”
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much” replies the bartender. “the O’Mally twins are drunk again.”
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August 28th, 2008
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: “No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”
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August 27th, 2008
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters,and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short on funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.
Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and maybe she can shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he’s from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. “So am I… What suburb in Melbourne?” “Glen Iris,” he replies.
“That’s amazing…” she says, “…so am I - what Street?” “Cameo Street,” he replies. This is unbelievable…” she says,”…what number?”
He says, “Number 20″ and she is totally astonished. “You are not going to believe this but I’m from number 22 and my parents still live there!”
“I know…” he says, “…your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!”
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August 26th, 2008
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
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August 25th, 2008
A blonde walks up to a clerk in a store and says, “I would like to buy a toaster.”
“I’m sorry but we dont sell toasters to blondes.” replies the clerk.
Upset, the blonde storms out of the store. She goes home, dies her hair red and goes back to the store.
“I would like to buy a toaster,” says the blonde to the same clerk.
“I’m sorry but we don’t sell toasters to blondes.” replies the clerk.
Even madder than the last time, the blonde storms out of the store. The next day she dies her hair a chocolate brown and drives to the store. She walks up to the same clerk and says, “I would like to buy a toaster.”
“I’ve told you already!” growls the clerk, “We do NOT sell toasters to blondes!”
Quite angry by now, the blonde goes home and dies her hair purple. she drives to the store, walks up to the clerk and says, “I would like to buy a toaster.”
“Listen lady, we don’t sell toasters to blondes. Now go home!”
Raging with anger the blonde asks, “Why don’t you sell toasters to blondes?!”
“Well, this is the sports section of the store!”
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August 24th, 2008
Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
“Well,” said the chaffeur, “I’ve got a good idea. Why don’t I give the speech since I’ve heard it so many times?”
So Albert’s chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn’t answer
“Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I’ll let my chauffeur answer it!”
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August 23rd, 2008
a red head goes to the doctor and says ” Doc my body hurts all over !!” the doctor says ” well lets see ” so the red head touches her elbow and screams in agoney, then she touches her forehead and screams again , the doctor finaly says ” your not a red head are you ?” ” NO i am really a Blonde ” she replys, ” I thought so , its not your body thats in pain,, YOUR FINGER IS BROKEN ”
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August 22nd, 2008
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