Archive for September, 2008
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do.”
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT????!!!” So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…”You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.” I am thinking “what was her first clue?” I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store…I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her to take all three. She wanted matching shoes, I said “lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings … Let me tell you … she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You should have seen her face when she said “I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out “No honey, I don’t feel like buying all of this stuff now.”
You should have seen her face… it went completely blank. I then said “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”
I figure I won’t be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2015.
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September 30th, 2008
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”
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September 29th, 2008
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries . . . but now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race . . . you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework . . . you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard . . . there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough . . . you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay . . . this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay . . . you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her . . . that is favoritism
If she gets a job ahead of you . . . it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks . . . it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet . . . it’s male indifference.
If you cry . . . you’re a wimp.
If you don’t . . . you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her . . . you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you . . . she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy . . . that’s domination.
If SHE asks you . . . it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear . . . you’re a pervert.
If you don’t . . . you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape . . . you’re sexist.
If you don’t . . . you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape . . . you’re vain.
If you don’t . . . you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers . . . you’re after something.
If you don’t . . . you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements . . . you’re full of yourself.
If you don’t . . . you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache . . . she’s tired.
If you have a headache . . . you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often . . . you’re oversexed.
If you don’t . . . there must be someone else.
Men die first because they want to!
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September 28th, 2008
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!” “Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!”
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September 26th, 2008
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!
“Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
“I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish… each person is only allowed one!”
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want A million bucks!”
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming, duck after duck after duck!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your Genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.”
“No shit!” says the man, “do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?”
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September 25th, 2008
Three guys compare their stories of how drunk they were the night before. The first guy says, “I was so drunk, I went home and beat my wife.”
The second guy says, “That is nothing, I went home, knocked over a candle, and burned my house down.”
The third guys says, “Now THAT is nothing. I went home and blew chunks.”
The other two guys say, “So what? That isn’t bad at all.”
The third guy responds, “I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”
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September 24th, 2008
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says “I’ll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it.”
The guy thinks for a second and says. “Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a 100.
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September 23rd, 2008
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote “Revelation 3:20 ” on the back and stuck it in the door. (Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”)
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.” Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. (Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”)
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September 22nd, 2008
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
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September 21st, 2008
GHOST Poop: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no Poop in the toilet.
CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.
WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with a stain.
SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when you’re done Pooping and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poop some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you’re afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY Poop: It’s so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.
DRINKER Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-Poop-Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you’d swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS Poop: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
MEXICAN Poop: It smells so badly that your nose burns.
UPPER CLASS Poop: The kind of Poop that has no odor.
THE SURPRISE Poop: You are not at the toilet because you think you are about to fart but…oops…a poop!
THE DANGLING Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
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September 20th, 2008
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