Archive for September, 2008
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?” It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?”
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in advance with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
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September 19th, 2008
There was a bus full of 30 ugly people, and it crashed and the all died instantly. They all went to heaven where God felt sorry for them because they were so ugly, so he decided to grant them one wish each. So they got in a line for their wish. They first person in line wished to be the most gorgeous person ever, and the person behind her wished to be gorgeous too, and so it went on and on.
When they got about half way down the line the person in the back of the line started chuckling, then there were only a few people left and he started laughing hysterically! Then he was the next person and he was laughing so hard he was on the floor and didn’t think he had any more tears to shed for ANY reason! Then when it came his turn it took him 10 minutes to stop laughing, every time he would almost stop, he would start again. Well, he finally stopped laughing and was able to get his wish in. He told God “Make them all ugly again!”
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September 18th, 2008
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, “Well that’s great. Some asshole’s got my pen.”
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September 17th, 2008
New Disease Alert from The Centers for Disease Control
The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Optional: Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase antidote - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately tell five friends about this medical alert. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
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September 16th, 2008
A minister was driving along and saw a woman on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The minister had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The woman looked at him and immediately said, “Reverend, remember Psalm 129?”
The minister was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while hanging gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The woman once again said, “Reverend, remember Psalm 129?”
Once again the minister apologized. “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at her stopping point, the woman got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the minister rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
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September 15th, 2008
A sales representative, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me.” Poof! He’s gone.
“Okay, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
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September 14th, 2008
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn’t tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for dinner dad?”
“You’ll see”, he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
“Ok”, says her dad, “Here’s a hint. It’s what your mother sometimes calls me.”
His daughter screams … “Don’t eat it, Jimmy! It’s a fucking asshole!”
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September 13th, 2008
A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowgirl replies, “Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” she explains, “It’s just that my husband and I joined the church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my sisters, though.”
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September 12th, 2008
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?’
The guy replies, ‘I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of New York City.’
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.’
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.’
St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.’
‘Just a minute,’ says the minister. ‘That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?’
‘Up here, we work by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.’
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September 11th, 2008
NICKNAMES
1. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
2. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
1. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
2. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
2. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
1. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
2. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
1. A woman has the last word in any argument.
2. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
1. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
2. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
2. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
2. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
1. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
2. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
1. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
2. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
2. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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September 10th, 2008
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