Archive for October, 2008
DEMOCRAT
• You have two cows.
• Your neighbor has none.
• You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
• You have two cows.
• Your neighbor has none.
• So?
SOCIALIST
• You have two cows.
• The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
• You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
• You have two cows.
• The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
• You wait in line for hours to get it.
• It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
• You have two cows.
• You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
• You have two cows.
• Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
• You have two cows.
• You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
• You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
• Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
• You have two cows.
• You go on strike because you want three cows.
• You go to lunch and drink wine.
• Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
• You have two cows.
• You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
• They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
• Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
• You have two cows.
• You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
• Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
• You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
• You break for lunch.
• Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
• You have two cows.
• You have some vodka.
• You count them and learn you have five cows.
• You have some more vodka.
• You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
• The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
• You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
• You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
• You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
• You have two cows.
• They go into hiding.
• They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
• You have two bulls.
• Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
• You have one cow.
• The cow is schizophrenic.
• Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.
• The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
• The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
• The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
• The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
• You have a black cow and a brown cow.
• Everyone votes for the best looking one.
• Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
• Some people vote for both.
• Some people vote for neither.
• Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
• Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
• You have millions of cows.
• They make real California cheese.
• Only five speak English.
• Most are illegal.
• Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
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October 21st, 2008
She is not: An airhead
She is: Reality Impaired
She is not: A Bleached Blond
She is: Peroxide Dependant
She does not have: Major league hooters
She is: Pectorally Superior
She does not have: A Great Tan
She is: Pigmentally Enhanced
You do not want to: Score or pick her up
You want to: Attempt a Horizontal Encounter
She is not: A perfect 10
She is: Numerically Superior
She does not have: A great butt
She has: A Superior Posterior
She does not have: A perfect body
She is: Anatomically Gifted
She is not: Drunk or tipsy
She is: Chemically Inconvenienced
……………..
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October 20th, 2008
A married couple decided to spend the night of their 20th anniversary alone, with the husband planning a special night for his wife of many years.
When the big night arrived, he surprised his lady with a beautiful limo for the evening. Inside the limo were chocolate-dipped strawberries, champagne, and tickets to a show.
After the show, the husband took his wife to an expensive restaurant, where they enjoyed a wonderful meal.
At the end of the evening, they journeyed home, and to the wife’s delight, her husband brought out a small, wrapped box and gave it to her.
She gasped and tore into the wrapping. Inside the box were two perfectly round aspirins.
“I don’t have a headache” she stated.
The husband smiled. “Gotcha!”
……………..
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October 19th, 2008
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great Idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic.
However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in
the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Agnes!” he exclaimed. “For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in …. You look like an asshole.”
……………..
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October 18th, 2008
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don’t f***in’ think so.
……………..
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October 17th, 2008
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony/Child!Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
……………..
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October 16th, 2008
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘Nothing’ usually end in “Fine”.
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.
THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
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October 15th, 2008
“We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. we turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
I go out to the taxi while my husband went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs with my husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, I don’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so I explain to the taxi driver that he will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, he gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he said as we drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. but it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”
The cab driver hit a parked car.”
……………..
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October 14th, 2008
An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees”!
“What powerful rivers”!
“What beautiful animals”!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him
with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.”
“Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer”?
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian”?
“Very Well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
……………..
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October 13th, 2008
Perfect Day for a Woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
Perfect Day for a Man:
8:00 Alarm.
8:01 Blowjob.
8:02 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
8:30 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
9:00 Limo arrives.
9:02 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
9:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:55 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
10:00 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
12:00 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:16 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch Sportscenter. CNN Newsflash.
8:00 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed (Alone).
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep
……………..
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October 12th, 2008
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