Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:George: “I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years”Herman: “Hmm. I killed a man, and I’m here for 3 days”George: “*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???”Herman: “Yeah, it was a lawyer.”
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Add comment February 28th, 2009
A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly — after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, “Are they close to reaching a verdict?” The bailiff shook his head, and replied, “You’re honor, they’re still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman.”
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Add comment February 27th, 2009
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere” he pleaded.” — Or just a bed - I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager,” and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired travelers assured him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” “Nope, I shut him up in no time” said Dave. “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” Dave explained.” I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
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Add comment February 26th, 2009
A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, “So, where y’all from?” The Wisconsin girl said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.” The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, “So, where y’all from, bitch?”
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Add comment February 25th, 2009
I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!
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Add comment February 24th, 2009
You know you’re getting older when…Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work. You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere. Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep. You look forward to a dull evening. Your knees buckle and your belt won’t. Your back goes out more than you do. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
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Add comment February 23rd, 2009
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. “Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
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Add comment February 22nd, 2009
After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red orgreen. Since they can’t come to a conclusion they go searching a cop. Finally they find one and ask him: “Please, officcccer, could you tell usif the moon is red or green?” The cop looks up and asks back: “The left or the right one?”
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Add comment February 21st, 2009
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went tobed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.”Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”"I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”"A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”"Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”
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Add comment February 20th, 2009
Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit. Boris says to Bill, “Bill, you know, I have a big problem. I don’t know what to do about it. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don’t know which one.”"Not a big deal Boris, I’m stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it’s never the same one.”
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Add comment February 19th, 2009
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