Archive for August, 2009
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.
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August 31st, 2009
A man walking around a car lot looking for a car,he finds one he likes,so he bent over to fell the carpet of the car,but as soon as he bends over he lets out a big fart. Embarrassed he look around to see if anyone heard the fart,and sure enough a sales person is standing right behind him embarrassed he quickly asks how much the car is. The sales person says if you farted just toching the car your ‘gonna crap your pants when you hear how much the car is
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August 30th, 2009
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we’re making love,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser … at half the price.’
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August 29th, 2009
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?” Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?”
“Osama Bin Laden,” she says. “Why Osama Bin Laden,” her father asks in shock. “Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. “Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker.”
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August 28th, 2009
One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked overto her towel. Then a little girl came running up to her.
“If you’re going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose.”
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August 27th, 2009
10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn’t stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.
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August 26th, 2009
I had three girlfriends, but wasn’t sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.” I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.” I watched my new television with great enjoyment!
The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.” She has enough to buy me a new boat.
I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
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August 25th, 2009
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word ‘penis’ in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, “The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!”
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August 24th, 2009
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ”I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ”You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
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August 23rd, 2009
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman
will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot
& love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but
married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there’s
no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything
a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a
woman - before marriage & after marriage.
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August 22nd, 2009
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