Archive for September, 2009
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn’t care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks “Sir, what’s under the newspaper?”
The man replies with “it’s a birdy and never ever touch it.”
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he’s in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said “well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it’s neck, stepped on it’s eggs, and burned it’s nest.”
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September 30th, 2009
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”. The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I’m coming!”
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September 29th, 2009
The teacher walks into the room and says… “OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence.”
Little Susie stands up and say “The sky is DEFINITLY blue.”
The teacher says; “Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try.”
Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.
The teacher says ” Yes Johnny, What is it?”
Johnny says ” I have a question.”
OK lets hear it, says the teacher.
Johnny says “Do Farts have lumps?”
The teacher says, “Well no they don’t.”
Little Johnny says “Well then I DEFINITLY just shit my pants!!!”
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September 28th, 2009
There are three moms. .
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says “Oh my gosh y’all I went through my daughter’s purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed”
They comfort her, and the redhead says “Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter’s purse. I cannot believe she has one”. So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says “That’s nothing. I found a condom in my daughter’s purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis”
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September 27th, 2009
There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.
One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.
So, father Ray says to Father dick “I have extra soap in my room, I’ll go get some”.
So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn’t bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.
The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.
When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.
Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said “Oh look, a soap dispencer”, wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.
With this the nun says “Yes it’s true, it is a soap dispencer”.
Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.
But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals “Oh! Look, handcream!”
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September 26th, 2009
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, “Oh, that’s mommy’s black sponge.”
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, “Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!”
She replies, “I lost it, honey.”
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, “Mommy, I found your black sponge!” Mystified, she says, “Where, honey?”
Little Johnny says, “It’s over at Mrs. Johnson’s house, and Daddy’s washing his face in it!”
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September 25th, 2009
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what “shit” meant.
Thinking fast she replied “food on the table”.
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does “son of a bitch” mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says “It’s a priest”.
Next day he comes home a asks what does “fuckin’” mean. She says it means “getting dressed”.
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells “got it”. He opens the door and says “Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin’”.
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September 24th, 2009
Your momma’s pussy is so hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn
I asked your momma “what’s for lunch” …She opened up her legs and said tuna surprise
I asked your momma “what’s for lunch” …She opened up her legs and said crabs
Your momma’s like a gun, two cocks and she’s loaded!
Your momma’s like a vaccum cleaner … She sucks, blows and gets laid in the closet.
Yo Mama’s like a mosquito, you have to slap her to get her to stop sucking
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September 23rd, 2009
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: “Ooh, I don’t often meet anyone in these parts.” They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: “Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could!
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September 22nd, 2009
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn’t afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said “We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married”.
So they got married and all three daughters then said “I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it”. The parents couldn’t afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter “Why were you screaming?”. And the daughter replied “Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt.”
Then the mother said to the second daughter “Why were you laughing last night?” and the daughter replied “Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled”.
Then the mother said to the last daughter “Why didn’t I hear anything coming from your room last night?” and the daughter replied “Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full”.
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September 21st, 2009
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