Archive for January, 2010
A bar in downtown providence had seen a lot of DUI’s lately. Therefore a cop decided to scope it out during closing time.
Right around when it was time to close the cop sees a guy come out of the bar stumbling left, then right. He tripped over the curb, dropped his keys and crawled to his car. After getting into his car he fumbled his keys around and finally got the car to the point of ignition.
As soon as he pulled out of the parking lot the cop pulled him over. He gave him field sobriety tests, in which he passed them all. Puzzled, the cop gives him a breathalyzer with a 0.0 reading. The cop says what gives to the driver.
His reply, I am the DD, designated decoy.
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January 31st, 2010
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall with row after row of clocks behind him.
The man asked St Peter, “What are all those clocks for?”
St Peter answered, “Those are lie-clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on the clock will move.”
Oh said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“Thats Mother Theresa’s clock. The hands have never moved, indicating she has never told a lie.”
“Incredible” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St Peter responded “Thats Abraham Lincolns clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s President Bush’s clock?” Asked the man.
“Bush’s clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan”
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January 30th, 2010
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.”
The second said, “Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful.”
The third said, “Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”
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January 29th, 2010
The cops raided a brothel in Kings Cross. In one of the booths they found an Asian bloke bonking like crazy. “What’s your name?”
“My name is Ting”
In the next room they found another Asian bloke sitting quietly in a shabby armchair. “And what’s your name?”
“My name is Ting”
“Oh yeah”, said the sergeant suspiciously. “How come we’ve just arrested Ting in the room next door?”
“He is Ru Ting. I am Wah Ting”.
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January 28th, 2010
An American tourist pulls over the Hertz car in the middle of nowhere for a pee. Suddenly a bloke jumps out from behind a tree, pointing a shotgun at him. “Pull yourself off”, he orders.
“What?”
“Masturbate. Right now!”
Nervously, the tourist obliges.
“Now, do it again”.
“I can’t do it again”
“DO it again!”
So the tourist masturbates for a second time.
“Okay, once more”
“I couldn’t do it once more, no matter what. You may as well shoot me.”
“No, that’s fine. Now you can give my sister a lift to the next town.”
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January 27th, 2010
The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.
“After I have zee sex wiz my wife’” said the Frenchman, “I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed.”
“After I screw my wife,” drawled the Canadian, “I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. She’s in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed.”
“Me?”, says the Aussie. “When I’ve finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!”
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January 26th, 2010
The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.
The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.
The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.
The wedding and reception went as planned.
A few days later, each of the groom’s three friends received a letter saying the following: “Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback but I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the mother fucker that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.”
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January 25th, 2010
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! you’re not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?”
“Nope,” replied the construction worker, “You are…I’m going to set the garage on fire.”
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January 24th, 2010
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful…. Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
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January 23rd, 2010
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a hardware problem.
A’: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A”: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
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January 22nd, 2010
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