A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could by him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”. “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man asks, “Where in Ireland asre you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it says the first man.
“I’m from Dublin too Let’s have another drink to Dublin!” the men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”
“St. Mary’s,” replied the second man. “i graduated in ‘62.”
“This is unbelivable, “the first man says. “I went to St. Mary’s and i grduated in ‘62, too!”
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much” replies the bartender. “the O’Mally twins are drunk again.”
……………..
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August 28th, 2008
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: “No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”
……………..
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August 27th, 2008
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters,and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short on funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.
Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and maybe she can shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he’s from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. “So am I… What suburb in Melbourne?” “Glen Iris,” he replies.
“That’s amazing…” she says, “…so am I - what Street?” “Cameo Street,” he replies. This is unbelievable…” she says,”…what number?”
He says, “Number 20″ and she is totally astonished. “You are not going to believe this but I’m from number 22 and my parents still live there!”
“I know…” he says, “…your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!”
……………..
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August 26th, 2008
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
……………..
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August 25th, 2008
A blonde walks up to a clerk in a store and says, “I would like to buy a toaster.”
“I’m sorry but we dont sell toasters to blondes.” replies the clerk.
Upset, the blonde storms out of the store. She goes home, dies her hair red and goes back to the store.
“I would like to buy a toaster,” says the blonde to the same clerk.
“I’m sorry but we don’t sell toasters to blondes.” replies the clerk.
Even madder than the last time, the blonde storms out of the store. The next day she dies her hair a chocolate brown and drives to the store. She walks up to the same clerk and says, “I would like to buy a toaster.”
“I’ve told you already!” growls the clerk, “We do NOT sell toasters to blondes!”
Quite angry by now, the blonde goes home and dies her hair purple. she drives to the store, walks up to the clerk and says, “I would like to buy a toaster.”
“Listen lady, we don’t sell toasters to blondes. Now go home!”
Raging with anger the blonde asks, “Why don’t you sell toasters to blondes?!”
“Well, this is the sports section of the store!”
……………..
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August 24th, 2008
Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
“Well,” said the chaffeur, “I’ve got a good idea. Why don’t I give the speech since I’ve heard it so many times?”
So Albert’s chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn’t answer
“Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I’ll let my chauffeur answer it!”
……………..
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August 23rd, 2008
a red head goes to the doctor and says ” Doc my body hurts all over !!” the doctor says ” well lets see ” so the red head touches her elbow and screams in agoney, then she touches her forehead and screams again , the doctor finaly says ” your not a red head are you ?” ” NO i am really a Blonde ” she replys, ” I thought so , its not your body thats in pain,, YOUR FINGER IS BROKEN ”
……………..
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August 22nd, 2008
A man had just bought a talking parrot from the pet store but when he gets home the bird keeps swearing at him, after a while the man gets a bit fed up and says to the bird “if you keep that up I’ll put you in the fridge!” “F#$@ you” says the bird, so the bloke chucks him in the fridge.
Ten minutes later he checks on the bird and asks “have you learnt your lesson?” the bird replies “no I fuckin havent” so the bloke decides to chuck him in the freezer for more punishment.
After another 10 minutes he opens the freezer to check on the bird, and the bird says warily “what’d the f#$kin chicken do??”
……………..
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August 21st, 2008
A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and
one handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.
One Saturday night, the priest discovered that the cock rooster was
missing. At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights that
were being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say
something during the Sunday Mass.
During Mass he asked the congregation, “Who among you will confess
to sporting a handsome cock?”
All the men stood up.
“No, no,” he said. “That’s not what I mean. Who among you will confess
to having seen a handsome cock?” All the women stood up.
“Oh, no,” he said. That’s not what I mean, either! Who among you will
confess to having seen a cock that doesn’t belong to you?”
Half the women stood up.
“Oh Lord,” he said. “Perhaps I should rephrase the question: “Has anybody
here seen my cock?” All the choirboys stood up.
……………..
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August 20th, 2008
uck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has some bread? bar tender says no he asks again do you have some bread? bar tender says no he asks again do you have some bread? bar tender says no, and if you dont shut up i will nail your fucken beak to the bar, duck says do you have some nails bar tender says no duck says GOT SOME BREAD!
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August 19th, 2008
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