An older man driving an old beat up truck gets into a fender bender with CEO’s Ferrari.

The CEO gets out of the car, examines the damage and decides to bully the old man.

“Hey old geezer that damage is gonna cost $50k to fix. Either you give me the money or I’ll beat the shit out of you”.

The old man apologizes.

“I’m so sorry sir but I don’t have that kind of money. But I’ll tell you what, let me call my son. He maybe able to help me out. He trains dolphins.”

The old man calls his son and explains the situation then hands the phone to the CEO.

“Your father ran into my new Ferrari and if he doesn’t give me the money to fix it, I’m going to beat the shit out of him. ” said the CEO.

“Please don’t do that. I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” Replied the son.

10 minutes later two military vehicles pulled up, 6 large guys came out of them and beat the shit out of the CEO.

The son goes to his dad and says “Dad I don’t train dolphins. I train SEALS. Navy SEALS”.

“””””

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Two Jewish women are walking down the street, and pass a Catholic church with a sign that says: “$200 to convert!”

They discuss it and one of them decides, why not? They could use the money.

One Jewish women goes into the Catholic church, is in there for a while, and finally comes out: “I converted!”

Her friend says, “Did you get the $200?” “Is that all you people think about?”

“””””

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I called my girlfriend earlier today, but all my calls went straight to voicemail. So, I decided to call her from a coworker’s phone.

When someone picked up, I heard a sweet little voice say, “Hello?”

It was my girlfriend’s daughter.

I said, “Hey, honey! I’m at work. What are you and Mommy up to?”

She goes, “Well, I just ate a sandwich, and Mommy’s upstairs with Uncle Eddie.”

I paused. “Uncle Eddie? We don’t have an Uncle Eddie.”

She confidently replied, “Yes, we do! Uncle Eddie is upstairs with Mommy in the bedroom.”

At this point, my alarm bells were going off. Something was fishy.

So, I calmly asked, “Hey sweetheart, can you leave the phone downstairs, go upstairs, and tell Mommy that Daddy just pulled into the driveway?”

I heard little footsteps running upstairs. About 65 seconds later, she picked the phone back up.

I asked, “What happened?”

She said, “Mommy ran downstairs naked, but she slipped and fell. She’s not moving.”

I was like, “Oh, shoot… okay. What about Uncle Eddie?”

She replied, “Uncle Eddie jumped out of the window, but he barely missed the pool. He’s not moving either.”
And that’s when I realized…

We just lost two people today.

And I don’t have a pool.

So, I hung up the phone… because that was the wrong number.

“””””

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A group of nuns is visiting the zoo. They are outside the gorilla enclosure when one of the gorillas breaks out, grabs one of the nuns, takes her back inside, and proceeds to have his way with her for several hours until they are able to get her back.

A few weeks later, back at the convent, she is approached by one of the other nuns who says, “How are you doing? I know it must be horrible.” And the nun replies, “It is. He never calls, he never writes . ..”

“””””

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