Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida. One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the place, and retired to down here.”

The second man said “I had a big store, in Philadelphia. One night, it caught fire, and burned to the ground. I didn’t want to go through all the work of rebuilding, so I sold the property, took the insurance money, and moved here, too.”

The third man said “I owned a huge car dealership in Miami. Two years ago, a hurricane blew through, and destroyed everything, even the buildings. I, too, decided to take the insurance money, and retire.”
His companions looked at him in awe. After a few moments of silence, one asked “How did you start a hurricane??”

“””””

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A monk was about to take a shower and realized he’d forgotten to bring his soap so he left he the shower and ran naked down the hall to his room to grab some soap.

He took two bars, figuring he’d leave one there for future use, and was walking back to the shower when he heard some nuns nuns coming up behind him.

Terrified that they might recognize him, he froze and pretended to be a statue.

When the nuns saw him him they were surprised by how lifelike the statue looked.

The first nun was so curious she pulled on the monk’s penis.

The monk, completely surprised, dropped one of the bars of soap.

“It’s a machine to get a bar of soap!” the second nun exclaimed, pulled the monk’s penis and sure enough he dropped the second bar.

But when the third nun pulled nothing happened so she tried again.

This went on for a bit and the other two nuns get bored and started to walk away when suddenly the third nun shouted, “Hallelujah! It also has liquid soap!”

“””””

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They decide it would be fun to swap partners for the night. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, “Is it long enough?” She replies, “It could be a bit longer I suppose.” So the alien man slaps himself on the forehead a few times and it grows longer! Then he asks her, “Is it wide enough?” and again she says. “I guess it could be just a bit wider.” So he starts tugging at his own ears and it gets a bit wider.

An hour or so later the human couple get together to discuss. The man asks the woman, “So how was your experience with the alien man? Be honest!” She says “Honestly? No offense to you, but that was the single greatest sexual experience of my life. What about you and the alien woman?” The man replies, “Don’t get me wrong, it was good and all but she kept slapping me in the head and pulling at my ears really hard.”

“””””

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Dugly rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an beautiful girl with a big butt came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Dugly smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Dugly broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact and not look at her curves.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment. I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off. Now completely naked, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, Dugly finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears!”

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these boobs they are full and 100% natural! Look at my ass, it’s perfect and firm, I work out every day! Look at my skin—no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel that the best part of my body is my ears?!”

Clearing his throat, Dugly stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?”
“Yes.”

“Well, that was me.”

“””””

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