A man has three girlfriends but doesn’t know which one to marry. So as a test, he gives each of them $5,000 to see how they spend them.

The first girlfriend gives herself a complete makeover. She got a new hairstyle, new makeup, and a whole new wardrobe. When asked why she did this, she said “I wanted to make myself beautiful for you because I love you so much.”

The second girlfriend bought him a bunch of gifts, including a new set of golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen TV. When asked why she did this, she said “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.”

The third girlfriend took the money and invested it in the stock market. She doubled her investment, gave the $5k back to him and re-invested the rest. When asked why, she said “I’m investing this money for our future together because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each girlfriend spent the money, and after careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.

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A cute little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come, run with me through the forest with me! You’ll feel so much better!”

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!”

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.

“Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you’ll feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts beating the shit out of the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you.”

The lion answers, “That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he’s on ecstasy!”

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Guy with a really really small head walks into a bar I’m talking the size of a grapefruit tiny. He whips out This roll of 20s, and buys the entire bar a round a drinks and starts throwing money around.

After about four drinks, the bartender says hey man, how do you come up with your life savings in your wealth like what’s your secret? The guy goes oh I used to be an antique dealer about 20 years ago. I was traveling the Eastern Baltic and I came across the genie lamp and when I rubbed the lamp, a super hot genie came out and gave me three wishes so he goes. Oh that’s great.

What do you wish for goes well first I asked for this magical roll of 20s it just never depletes. I pull one off it just refreshes itself immediately so I have unlimited money. He goes OK very smart. What do you wish for second The guy goes oh I love Cadillacs so I asked for a new car every single year it just updates itself into the newest model every single year. I never have a car payment and I always have a brand new car. He goes man you’re set for life. You’re telling me he goes for the 3rd wish.

I didn’t have anything to wish for. So I told the genie, you’re pretty hot you want to have s*x? and the genie goes well. It’s just smoke below the waist so it’s not very enjoyable. He goes. Oh you’re right I didn’t think about that so how about a little head instead?

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An Englishman and a Dutchman are sitting in a pub. The Dutchman says to the Englishman, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”

The Englishman replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the pub, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar, and the gals practically throw themselves at me.”

The Dutchman says “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”

The Englishman replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for £10, and the ladies are none the wiser.”

So the Dutchman goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various pubs across London, with no luck whatsoever. A few weeks later, he runs into the Englishman again. He tells the Englishman “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 pubs, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”

The Englishman tells him, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first.”

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