A lumberjack was chopping down a tree by a river when he dropped his axe into the water.

He wept bitterly in distress, but suddenly God appeared to him and asked: “Why are you crying?”
“I’ve dropped my axe into the river, and now I will no longer be able to provide for my family”, replied the lumberjack.

Then God reached into the river, pulled out a golden axe, and asked: “Is this your axe?”
“No, that is not my axe,” the man replied.

God reached into the river again, pulled out a silver axe, and asked: “Perhaps this is your axe?”
“No, that is not my axe either,” the man answered.

Finally, God reached into the river and pulled out an iron axe.

“Yes! That is my axe!”, the lumberjack exclaimed joyfully.

“I see that you are an honest man who observes my commandments,” said God. “Therefore, take all three axes as your reward.”

The lumberjack went on to live a life of prosperity and comfort, but one day, accidentally his wife fell into the river. Once again, he could not control his emotions. And once again, God appeared to him and asked: “Why are you weeping?”

“How can I not? My wife has fallen into the river!”

Then God reached into the river, pulled out Dua Lipa, and asked: “Is this your wife?”
“Yes! That is my wife!”, the lumberjack screamed in joy.

God grew angry: “You lied to me! How could you do such a thing?!”

“You see”, replied the man, “there’s a slight misunderstanding here. Had I answered that she was not my wife, you would have pulled Sabrina Carpenter out of the river; then I would have said again that she was not my wife. Then you would have pulled out my actual wife, and I would have said, ‘Yes, that is my spouse.’ You would have given me all three of them, and what on earth would I have done with them? I wouldn’t have been able to provide for all of us.”

Moral: When men lie, they do so with dignity and for the common good.

“””””

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A psychiatrist is sitting in his office, bored out of his mind…

Suddenly, the door creaks open and a man crawls in on all fours. He is clenching something between his teeth, holding something in his hands, and dragging something long behind him.

The psychiatrist lights up: “Oh, look who it is! Are you a little snake? Come on in, little snake, the doctor will help you.”

The man shakes his head

“Ah, I see! You’re a little turtle then? Crawl over to the chair, little turtle, and tell the doctor what’s wrong.”

The man shakes his head again.

“Well, who are we then? Are we a little worm?”

The man spits the wire out of his mouth and shouts: “Oh, f*** off, Doc! I’m the SysAdmin running your new network cables!”

“””””

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A young woman named Kelly buys a mirror at an antique shop from a gypsy, and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, Kelly playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, give me a Beautiful Giant Bubble Ass“.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her ass grow into a perfectly round firm butt.

Excitedly, she runs and sceams at her husband “Look at my beautiful giant ass!” She then tells him what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.

Again, there’s a bright flash … and his legs fall off.

“””””

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An atheist is hiking in the woods when suddenly a huge bear pops out from behind a bush.
Right as the bear is about to attack, time freezes and god appears.

God says, “you have spent your whole life as an atheist. But if you finally believe in me and become a Christian I will stop the bear from eating you.”

The man say, “that’s really nice of you, but I don’t really believe in a higher power.”
God: all you have to do is believe your eyes and accept me in your heart.

Man: that’s just to hard for me to do. I mean science has already answered how we came about through evolution. Not only that, but with all the bad things happening in the world right now, it’s just too difficult to believe that there is a god. I’m sorry but I just can’t do it.

God: are you sure? I will give you one more opportunity to believe in me.
Man: as I said, not thanks.

God: ok you have made your choice…

Man: wait… how about you make the bear a Christian instead? And then he will have morals.
God: very well.

After god left, time restarted. The bear suddenly stopped and the man started to believe that his plan to save himself had worked. The bear knelt down.

Bear: thank you god for this meal I am about to receive.

“””””

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