The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately
to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and
got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old
ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got
out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with
relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and
wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: ‘You know , I have
a special gift, I can read minds.’

‘Impossible’, said the embarrassed man, ‘You really know what
I think?’

‘Yes’, the lady replied, ‘Right now, I bet you think that the
bucket you’re holding has a bottom.’
——-

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Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was very crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He was very attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly beautiful.

After getting his courage up, he finally said to the nun “Will you have sex with me?” The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver to stop the bus and she got off.

The man was very disappointed and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop. Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided to help him out.

He said to the young man, “I know that nun. Every night, she goes to the grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God’s request.

Just tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with you.” This gave the hippie great hope.

That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was the nun. As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move. He walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said to the nun “I am Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?”

Now, of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she agreed. “I just have one request,” said the nun, “it has to be anal sex, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my sisterhood.” The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sex.

When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to reveal his identity to the nun. He took off his robe, revealing a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp nacklaces. “HA HA!! I’m not Jesus, I’m the hippie!” He exclaimed.

Much to the young man’s surprise, the nun took off her habit, revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled “HA HA! I’m not the nun, I’m the bus driver!”

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.

The Manager comes up to the Woman and asks, “What’s wrong?” !

She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?”

In a huff, the woman says, “BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!