Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seculsion from that place called the world.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you’re holding under the water.

There now, feeling better?

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For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects…

Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties You make the bed…………………………………………..+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows………0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…………………..-1 You leave the toilet seat up………………………………..-5

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………………0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…….-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night …………………0 You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing……………0 You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something………..+5 You pummel it with a six iron…………………………..+10 It’s her father……………………………………….-10

Social Engagements You stay by her side the entire party…..0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy…….-2 Named Tiffany……………….-4 Tiffany is a dancer………….-6 Tiffany has implants…………-8

Her Birthday You take her out to dinner…………………………….0 You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ……+1 Okay, it is a sports bar……………………………..-2 And it’s all-you-can-eat night………………………..-3 It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team………………-10

Thoughtfulness You forget her birthday completely……………………-20 You forget your anniversary………………………….-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station…………..-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey……………………….-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast……………-60

A Night Out With The Boys Go out with a pal …………………………………..-5 And the pal is happily married ……………………….-4 Or frighteningly single ……………………………..-7 And he drives a Mustang……………………………..-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) …………-15 You have a few beers…………………………………-9 And miss curfew by an hour…………………………..-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn’t call…………-20 You get home at 3 am………………………………..-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40

Her Night Out You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work……………..+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late……….+10 You wait up………………………………………………+15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed…+20

A Night Out You take her to a movie…………………………………..+2 You take her to a movie she likes………………………….+4 You take her to a movie you hate ………………………….+6 You take her to a movie you like…………………………..-2 It’s called DeathCop 3……………………………………-3 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ………-15

Flowers You buy her flowers only when it’s expected………………… 0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ….+20 You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself ……+30 And she contracts Lyme disease…………………………….-25

Your Physique You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………….-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it….+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…….-30 You say “I don’t give a damn because you have one too”………-800

Finances You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………….-5 Something she can’t use…………………………………..-10 Such as a motorized model airplane………………………….-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday………………-40

Driving You lost the directions on a trip………………………….-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………….-10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ……………..-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal………-25 You know them…………………………………………..-60

The Big Question She asks, “Do I look fat?” ……………………………….-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding……………………………….-10 You reply, “Where?”………………………………………-35

Communication When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…………..0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…+10 She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep……………-20

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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie. “Well I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period.” “Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

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One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when she sees a wolf sitting under a tree with its ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin. She says to the wolf, “My, what big ears you have!” The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes.

She says, “My, what big eyes you have!”

The wolf grins a bit wider and looks slightly harassed.

She says, “My, what big teeth you have!”

The wolf pulls himself together, looks her in the eye and says, “Fuck off! I’m trying to take a dump!”

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