A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.”

From out in the audience a man shouts, “You lying bastard!”

“Silence in the court!” the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”

“You goddamned tightwad!” blurted the spectator.

“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

“You cheap son of a…” the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, “If you don”t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!”

“I”ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!”

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A chinese man rings work and says ” Me can’t come in to work me sick” His boss says “When I’m sick I fuck my wife, try that?”

Couple hours later the chinese man calls works and says “Me better! You got nice house.”

……………..

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 A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

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Why don’t we see baby pigeons?

Do corpses wear underwear?

Let’s say it’s Monday. When the clock is changing from 11:59pm to 12:00am at the exact split second in the transition is it Monday or Tuesday? What if its the last day of March going into April? What month is it?

If you aren’t aloud to drink and drive then why do bars have parking lots?

Why do 24/7 stores have locks on the doors?

If someone is peeing and they die halfway through would they finish or stop when they died?

When a glass is filled with water to the middle is it half empty or half full?

Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say I’m going to eat the first thing that comes out of its’ butt?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say “Hey I’m gonna squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?

Why do some packages of food say “DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN!!!” on the bottom?

Why are the keys on a key board not in alphabetical order?

If Mars had an Earth quake would it be called a Mars quake?

If Noah had woodpeckers on the arc where did he put them?

If our body temperature is 98.6 degrees then why are we not comfortable when it is 98 degrees outside?

Why does lbs. stand for pounds if there isn’t a “l” or a “b” in ponds?

Do bald men use soap or shampoo?

Why were those “Baby on Board” signs? Did they help us choose which car not to hit in an accident?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How did stcking up your middle finger at someone come to mean F*** You?

What happens when you say “Hi” to a friend on an airplane whose name is Jack?

Why doesn’t any T.V. have the channel 1?

Why do they call them APARTments when they are stuck together?

Why aren’t French fries considered a vegetable when they are just deep fried potatoes?

Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable?

Why did you read this whole list?

……………..

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