On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, “Nice bike you’ve got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

The kid said, “Yeah.”

The cop said, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike.” The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop said, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid said, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

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John and Steve were high school buddies. They have not seen each other since they both went to college. Five years went by and they ran into each other at a bar.

John spotted Steve first, “Hey Steve!” “Hey John! Long time no see!” John was surprised that Steve spoke smoothly without stutters–Steve has been stuttering since he was a child. “How did you fix your speaking?” “I went to the doctor and he said that if I speak really slow, I won’t stutter! Did you hear? I almost got married!” “How did you ALMOST get married?”

“Well, I was sitting on the front porch with my fiance and the dog was sitting there too and he was scratching his back! Although I have to speak slow, I said to my wife: When we’re married YOU can do that for me and then I pointed to the dog. But, because I talk so slow, by then he was licking his balls!”

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A guy walks into a bar and after only taking 2 steps in, he realizes that it’s a gay bar. He decides to proceed because he really needs a drink. A gay waiter approaches and asks: “What’s the name of your penis?”

The customers says: “Look, I’m just not into that kind of stuff. All I want is a cold beer.”

The gay waiter says: “I’m sorry but house rules dictate that I cannot serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.”

The customer says to the gay waiter: “All right….I will but first tell me the name of your penis.”

The gay waiter says: “NIKE…you know, ‘JUST DO IT!”

The customer thinks for a moment and then says: The name of my penis is ‘SECRET’.

The waiter is puzzled and asks: “SECRET? What does that mean?” The customer says: You know, SECRET…..STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!”

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An WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

“Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked. The lady looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans are so rude” she said, “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there?”

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. “Lady, I love dogs – have a couple at home so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down” he said. The lady wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant.”

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I just please sit there and hold your dog?” The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”

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