Joke of the Day – Golfing Partner

One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, “If I died, would you remarry?”

Peter thought for a second then said “Yeah I guess I would”.

Then his the wife asked, “well would you have her as your golfing partner?”

Peter replied, “yep I probably would do that too”.

“But surely you wouldn’t give her my clubs?!”, she cried.

Peter looked at her and said, “Nah, shes left handed.”

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Joke of the Day – Hearing Problem

An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.

One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

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Joke of the Day – Being a Woman

Why it is so cool to be a woman

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.

We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Systems support men always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.

We got off the Titanic first.

Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

It’s cool to be a daddy’s girl. It’s sad to be a mommy’s boy.

We can cry to get out of speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts… and pool… and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers… men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don’t believe there’s a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our… womanhood.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a ‘ruck’ (or any other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.

We never recognize ourselves in aspects of Mr. Bean. Ever.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

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Joke of the Day – The Swimmer

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party.

During the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.

The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.

Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, “My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”

The man says, “Listen, I don’t want your money. I don’t want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

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