Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as “Bonkistry.” He has been around forever, so I wouldn’t put it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

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Nice shirt. Can I try it on after we have sex?

Mines bigger than his. Want proof?

I’m like Domino’s Pizza. If I don’t cum in 30 minutes, the next one is free.

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under

Look out in the night sky. You see that bright light. Its a comet that is streaking towards us. It will be here in about 3 hours. So would you like to have sex?

Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his aspiration, in a girl’s reception, to increase the population, for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?

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Assmosis
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Salmon day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM
Career Limiting Move – Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB – Career Limiting Behavior)

Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404
Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located. “Don’t bother asking him . . . he’s 404, man.”

Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it towork again.

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A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. “Isn’t that just like an engineer, we’re looking for the height and he gives us the length.”

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