I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words I do.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT????!!! So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear….You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman. I am thinking what was her first clue? I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store….I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take so I told her to take all three. She wanted matching shoes, I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings …. Let me tell you …. she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesnt even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You should have seen her face when she said I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out No honey, I dont feel like buying all of this stuff now.

You should have seen her face…. it went completely blank. I then said Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.

I figure I wont be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2015.

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This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died?

The guy stumbles around and says, Um.. no.. um.. what happened?

The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

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This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries . . . but now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race . . . youre a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework . . . youre a pansy.

If you work too hard . . . theres never any time for her.

If you dont work enough . . . youre a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay . . . this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay . . . you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her . . . that is favoritism

If she gets a job ahead of you . . . its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks . . . its sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet . . . its male indifference.

If you cry . . . youre a wimp.

If you dont . . . youre an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her . . . youre a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you . . . shes a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesnt enjoy . . . thats domination.

If SHE asks you . . . its a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear . . . youre a pervert.

If you dont . . . youre gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape . . . youre sexist.

If you dont . . . youre unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape . . . youre vain.

If you dont . . . youre a slob.

If you buy her flowers . . . youre after something.

If you dont . . . youre not thoughtful.

If youre proud of your achievements . . . youre full of yourself.

If you dont . . . youre not ambitious.

If she has a headache . . . shes tired.

If you have a headache . . . you dont love her anymore.

If you want it too often . . . youre oversexed.

If you dont . . . there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to!

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One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man Why are you eating grass?

We dont have any money for food, the poor man replied. We have to eat grass.

Well, then, you can come with me to my house and Ill feed you the lawyer said.

But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.

Bring them along, the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, You come with us also.

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me! Bring them all, as well, the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, Glad to do it. Youll really love my place – the grass is almost a foot high!

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