A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

……………..

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A man walks into a bar for a pub lunch. As he’s drinking his pint, waiting for his food a young gentlemen walks in and sits with him. After ordering a drink, they begin to talk. Mid-conversation the man hears a beeping sound. The man, confused, asks where the sound is coming from.

The gentlemen, smiling, pulls up the sleeve of his shirt and shows a small screen in his arm, saying, “OH, I went to Japan earlier this year and got a pager fitted into my arm.”

As they resume talking, a second man walks into the bar, and after ordering a drink, joins in the conversation. After a few minutes, teh first man notices a ringing noise. “Can you hear that?”

The new gentlemen opens his palm, and then proceeds to talk into his thumb. The first man, very confused, asks what he is doing.

The new guy says, “Oh, i went to Japan a few months ago and got a phone fitted into my hand. Sweet aint it!”

At this point, the first gentlemen felt a little left out, and excused himself to the loo. After about an hour, the other too began to worry. They decided to wander into the toilets and check-up on him.

On entering the toilets, they saw him naked, hand up against the wall, with toilet paper sticking out his bum. The man turns around and says “Hey, I’ll be one sec. Im just recieveing a fax!”

……………..

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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”

He responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”

……………..

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A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, “My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?”
“Well,” said the vet “let’s have a look at him” The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

“Well,” says the vet “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” say’s the man.

“No, because he’s heavy,” says the vet.

……………..

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