The 12 Worst Things to Say to a Police Officer:

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No Donut!
8. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on “Cops”?
10. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
11. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that’s how far ahead of me they are.
12. What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained observer!

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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?” Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?” Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”. “Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!” Bob exclaims, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “Correct,” says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now”, he says. “Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “That’s right,” replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. “Do you know,” he pants “what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”
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An Irishman staggers into a library, approaches the librarian and shouts, “FISH AND CHIPS, PLEASE!” The librarian puts her finger up to her lip and says, “This is a Library”. Irish guy says in a whispering voice, ” fish and chips, please.”

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