A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wifes monogram on it– stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my big mistake. What did you do? asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the cows tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours! I dont remember much after that!

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A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks Howd you end up with a peg-leg?

I was swept overboard during a fierce storm, says the pirate. and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!

Holy cow! said the sailor. What about the hook, howd you get that?

Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!

Absolutely incredible! gasped the sailor. And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?

A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye, replied the pirate.

Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping? asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarassed, the pirate answered It was me first day with the hook.
——-

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James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldnt wake up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. Who the hell are you, demanded James, and what are you doing in my bedroom? The mysterious man answered This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter.

James didnt take the news so well…. You mean Im dead! That cant be, I have so much to live for, I havent even said goodbye to my family…. youve got to send me back right away!

St. Peter replied You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated – but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen. James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. This aint so bad, he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said So youre the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here? Its not so bad replies James, but I have this strange feeling inside like Im about to explode. Youre ovulating explained the rooster, havent you ever laid an egg before?

Never replies James.

Well just relax and let it happen.

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him – emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him…. ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, youre sh*tting the bed!
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John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if youre married, you can imagine what hes probably going through. His wife was really pissed.

She told him Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! She was serious too, so John got serious.

The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.

Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.

“““““

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