This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didnt feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone Happy Birthday. I thought…. Well, thats marriage for you, but the kids…. They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didnt say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one oclock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, You know, its such a beautiful day outside, and its your Birthday, why dont we go out for lunch, just you and me. I said, Thanks, Joanne, thats the best thing Ive heard all day. Lets go!

We went to lunch but not where wed normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, You know, Its such a beautiful day…. We dont have to go right back to the office, do we? I replied with I suppose not. What do you have in mind? She said, Lets go to my apartment, its just around the corner.

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, Boss if you dont mind, Im goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. Ill be right back. Ok. I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake….

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there….

On the couch….

Naked.

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A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says what are you doing? – and they say were saving it for later!

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says What size? small, medium, or large? She said I dont know…. one to fit a camel?

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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, Hey, John! How ya doin? His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. Oh, no, says John. Hes on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,How did she know that you drink Budweiser? Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy? Johns wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.

“““““

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Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers. The bartender says I’m sorry we dont serve ropes in here.

Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says Ive got an idea. So he gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.

The barkeep says Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here earlier? The rope answers I’m a frayed knot.

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