Billy Connolly desides to take a vacation. So he flies off to Canada for six weeks of hunting and camping.

The guide tells Billy they have hire all the equipement for the duration, Billy says (with his heavy scottish accent) “Oh eye that’s fantastic jimmy”. The guide also explains that they’ll be hunting moose, and bear, and fishing for salmon and they’ll be walking for eight hours before setting up camp. After eight hours of walking they set up camp, and settle down by the camp fire with a hot mug of coffee.

After about 5 minutes this huge moose comes barging through the camp and completely trashes it, while Billy and the guide dive for cover behind a bush and a boulder. Billy pops his head from behind the boulder and shouts (scottish accent) “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” The guide shouts back “THAT WAS A MOOSE!!!” Billy shouts back “IF THAT’S MOUSE, HOW BIG ARE THE FUCKING CATS AROUND HERE?
“““““

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

A man & his wife are in bed one night. The wife wants a bit of action from her husband, but he doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s there, he just continues reading a book. She keeps waiting & waiting for him to make his first move, but he doesn’t, so she gets disqusted & goes to sleep. 10 minutes later, she feels his fingers in her vagina, and says, “oh fred you finally want me?” He replies, “nah, I’m just wetting my fingers to turn the page”

——-

.site Domains names for only $2.99, .online for only $4.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

An Irishman, a Scottishman and an Englishman are all going to be executed by a firing squad. The Englishman is taken out and told to face the wall so he does but just as they’re going to shoot him, he shouts “Earthquake!” and the firing squad runs away. Then they bring out the Scottishman and he faces the wall but just as they are going to shoot he shouts “Tidal Wave!” and the firing squad again runs away. The Irishman is brought out and they tell him to face the wall and just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the Irishman shouts, “Fire!”

“““““

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

A young woman asked her mom one day, “how do I keep guys off me?” and her mom replied “ask him what the baby’s name will be”. So the next day she goes to a party and asks guys who are hitting on her, “what will the baby’s name be?” This gets rid of them in a hurry. Then one guy dances with her and she asks, “what will the baby’s name be?” So he takes her upstairs and when they’re done she asks again, “what will the baby’s name be?” He then removes his condom, ties it at the top and says, “if the baby gets out of this, call him Houdini”

“““““

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com