A bar in downtown providence had seen a lot of DUI’s lately. Therefore a cop decided to scope it out during closing time.

Right around when it was time to close the cop sees a guy come out of the bar stumbling left, then right. He tripped over the curb, dropped his keys and crawled to his car. After getting into his car he fumbled his keys around and finally got the car to the point of ignition.

As soon as he pulled out of the parking lot the cop pulled him over. He gave him field sobriety tests, in which he passed them all. Puzzled, the cop gives him a breathalyzer with a 0.0 reading. The cop says what gives to the driver.

His reply, I am the DD, designated decoy.

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A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall with row after row of clocks behind him.

The man asked St Peter, “What are all those clocks for?”
St Peter answered, “Those are lie-clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on the clock will move.”
Oh said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“Thats Mother Theresa’s clock. The hands have never moved, indicating she has never told a lie.”
“Incredible” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St Peter responded “Thats Abraham Lincolns clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s President Bush’s clock?” Asked the man.
“Bush’s clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan”

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Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.”

The second said, “Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful.”

The third said, “Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”

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The cops raided a brothel in Kings Cross. In one of the booths they found an Asian bloke bonking like crazy. Whats your name?

My name is Ting

In the next room they found another Asian bloke sitting quietly in a shabby armchair. And whats your name?

My name is Ting

Oh yeah, said the sergeant suspiciously. How come weve just arrested Ting in the room next door?

He is Ru Ting. I am Wah Ting.

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