An American tourist pulls over the Hertz car in the middle of nowhere for a pee. Suddenly a bloke jumps out from behind a tree, pointing a shotgun at him. Pull yourself off, he orders.

What?

Masturbate. Right now!

Nervously, the tourist obliges.

Now, do it again.

I cant do it again

DO it again!

So the tourist masturbates for a second time.

Okay, once more

I couldnt do it once more, no matter what. You may as well shoot me.

No, thats fine. Now you can give my sister a lift to the next town.

“““““

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The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.

After I have zee sex wiz my wife said the Frenchman, I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed.

After I screw my wife, drawled the Canadian, I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. Shes in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed.

Me?, says the Aussie. When Ive finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!

——-

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The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.

The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.

The wedding and reception went as planned.

A few days later, each of the groom’s three friends received a letter saying the following: “Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback but I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the mother fucker that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.”

“““““

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One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! you’re not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?”

“Nope,” replied the construction worker, “You are…I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

“““““

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