A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, “What’s this, Paw?”

The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is!”

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, “Go get your maw!”
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist explains to the woman they don’t sell rectum deodorant… and that in fact he’s never heard of it before.

The blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.

“I’m sorry”, says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the pharmacist.
“Yes!” said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: “To apply, push up bottom.”

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These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

“The effects are fleeting and lingering…” – Overheard in a hallway

“In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted.” – CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

“A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across.” – Announcer on KZOK radio

“He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that’s a mouthful!” – CBS baseball announcer

“An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement.” – Irish Politician on RTE radio

“This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation.” – BBC world service.

“We have two incredibly credible witnesses here.” – Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

“He’s going to step down ’til he’s back on his feet.” – Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart’s latest sex scandal

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OK, so there’s this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She’s cruisin’ about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.

The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.

The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, “Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!” She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, “While you weren’t looking I stepped out of the circle!”

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