A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, “Yeah,that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from in Dublin, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replies the Irish guy, “but it happened to me sister!”

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Cinderella is now nearly 70 years old. After having a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch with a cat called Gizmo for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?” The Fairy Godmother replies “Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.” Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!” The Fairy Godmother replied “It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?” Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.” At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again “You have one more wish, what shall you have?” Cinderella looked over to Gizmo, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. “I wish for you to transform my old cat, Gizmo, into a beautiful and handsome young man.” Magically, Gizmo suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said “Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.” With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few moments, Gizmo and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Gizmo walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don’t you?”

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‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

Christmas Present
The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”

I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”

The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”

“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”

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At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

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