I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs” I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face.

——-

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A guy walks into a bar with his Pet Monkey Key-Key. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. Key-Key grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey Key-Key with him. He orders a drink and Key-Key starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the Key-Key finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “Now what?” asks the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

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Marine Dating  We bring together single members of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, Police Force, and Firefighters — as well as civilians, veterans.

Mary Klien was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother Dave.

When Mary came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother Dave had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn’t a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, “The first one was a girl.”

Mary: “What did you name her?!?”

Dave: “Denise!”

The Mom: “Oh, wow, that’s not bad! What about the second one?”

Dave: “The second one was a boy.”

The Mom: “Oh, and what did you name him?”

Dave: “Denephew.”

“““““

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Duncan McDaniel decides to take a vacation. So he flies off to Canada for six weeks of hunting and camping.

The guide tells Duncan they have hire all the equipement for the duration, Duncan says (with his heavy scottish accent) Oh eye thats fantastic Paul.

The guide also explains that theyll be hunting moose, and bear, and fishing for salmon and theyll be walking for eight hours before setting up camp. After eight hours of walking they set up camp, and settle down by the camp fire with a hot mug of coffee.

After about 5 minutes this huge moose comes barging through the camp and completely trashes it, while Duncan and the guide dive for cover behind a bush and a boulder. Duncan pops his head from behind the boulder and shouts (scottish accent) WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? The guide shouts back THAT WAS A MOOSE!!! Duncan shouts back IF THATS MOUSE, HOW BIG ARE THE FUCKING CATS AROUND HERE?

“””””

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