An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. “I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ” I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .”

The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don”t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn”t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you”re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn”t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you”re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON”T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma”am?”

“Only when he”s been drinking, officer.”

“““““

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for
six generations”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . .”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“SH*T!” said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

“““““

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A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, “Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; Handjob: 20.00.”

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the handjobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs. “That would be me.”

The man replies, “Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!”

——-

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