John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn’t look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn’t responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:

“Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ….”

John inscribes the words in his heart.

At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.

‘And, she asks with tearful eyes,”was it that he loved me? ”

“I do not know,” said the man, “but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ….”

The widow screams and faints.

“What?” John ask startled to the daughter, “what did he say, what does that mean?” And the crying daughter says:

“You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git.”

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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

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A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.

The woman says to the clerk at the counter, “I’m looking to buy a pet for my husband but I’m on a very short budget!.”

“No worries,” replies the clerk.

“We’ve just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs.”

“Bl*wjobs,” says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the
frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent.

With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.

In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.

She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

“What are you two doing?” she asks.

“Well,” says the husband. “If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here.”
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Teacher: Good morning class I have a couple of riddles to start off this morning. I have something here that’s round red and good to eat?

Sarah: an apple? Teacher: No it’s a tomato but you’re thinking.

Teacher: I have something here that’s yellow and odd shaped and good to eat?

Michael: A banana? Teacher: No it’s a pear but you’re thinking.

Little Johnny: Teacher, I have a riddle.

Teacher: Okay Johnny tell us your riddle.

Little Johnny: I have something in my pocket that’s round, hard and has a head on it?

Teacher: Johnny, you go see the principal right this instant.

Little Johnny: It’s a nail, but you’re thinking.

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