One fine afternoon a gentleman was walking down the street; and as he came around the corner he spotted a young boy sitting in front of the local candy shop. As he approached, he realized it was his neighbor’s kid – Little Johnny.

The boy was shoving sweet tarts and chocolate bars down his throat as fast as possible, so much that it prompted the man to offer some advice: “You know, Johnny, it’s not healthy to eat all that candy.”

Little Johnny looks up at him and quickly retorts “You know, my grampa lived to be 96 years old.”

“Oh,” the man replied, “did he eat lots of candy?”

“Nope,” retorted Little Johnny, “he minded his own damn business!”

“““““

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A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.

After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, “Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn’t like me to stay out during late night.”

The first guy replies, “I’ll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning.”

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, “What the hell are you doing in here?!”

“Quiet!”, she exclaimed. “You’ll wake my mother.”

“““““

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Doug meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special offer for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.”

Doug replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint my house.”

“““““

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The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted…

“You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.” “Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

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