Tina and Jack are on the brink of divorce so they visit a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor asks Tina, “What’s the problem?”
She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation”
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”
Jack replies, “Well not exactly, she’s the one that suffers, not me.”
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A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”
The owner says, “How about a cat?”
The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”
The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it looks awesome it is just immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”
Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede.
20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!
He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”
The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”
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A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
‘All these years, everything has been working just fine.. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.’
The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.’
She said, ‘Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.’
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
Well, he said, I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.
Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, You never told me that you were such a religious person.
He leans over to her and says, You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!
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