A man complained to his friend “My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor.” “Don’t do that,” volunteered his friend “there’s a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.”

The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant.
It’s not your baby – get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
——-

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. “The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

“““““

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An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”

The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:…
What was I thinking?”

“How could two people as beautiful as you….
have such an ugly baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love….
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“Congratulations on your wedding day!….
Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life….
I never believed in Hell until I met you.”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am….
that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!….
I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Before you go,….
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married….
but not to you.”

“You look great for your age….
Almost Lifelike!”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me….
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend….
So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time….
What do you say we call it quits?”

“I’m so miserable without you….
It’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy….
Did you ever find out who the father was?”

——-

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