An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?”

“It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?”

“That’s my business! Get me the course!”

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, “please, before it’s too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?”

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
“One less lawyer . . .”

——-

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Tim was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife
in bed with another man.

“Get over it, buddy,” he said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“It’s all right for you to say,” answered Tim. “But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?”

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, “I’d break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.”

“““““

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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from overhearing you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Galway, I am.”

The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Galway?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on Walsh Street in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Peter’s of course.”

The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1974.”

The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Peter’s in 1974 my own self.”

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the O’Brien twins are drunk again.”

“““““

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The Johnsons were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Johnson kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be
here soon” Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning, madam. I’ve come to….”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Johnson cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good. I’ve made a speciality of
babies”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat”

After a moment, she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results”

“My, that’s a lot of…..” gasped Mrs. Johnson.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Johnson said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.

“This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London”
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Johnson exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mom was so difficult to work with”

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Johnson.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Johnson, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said, “And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Johnson leaned forward. “You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um……equipment?”

“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so we
can get to work.”

“Tripod?????”

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ……. Good Lord, she’s
fainted!!”

“““““

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