One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out

The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one.”
The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a minute and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand the girl I’m dating. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

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Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said Tom. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

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A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

3. “Can you hear me NOW?”

4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey….”

8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”

10. “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

11. “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

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Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!”

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