Three friends Ted, Tom, & Bill die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked,

“When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you,
what would you like to hear them say about you?”

Ted says,
“I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

Tom says,
“I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in our children of tomorrow.”

Bill replies,
“I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK! HE’S MOVING!'”

——-

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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a pub and fell flat on his face onto the hardwood floor.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled out the back to the pub’s patio.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first onto the patio floor.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him outsite sleeping on the porch floor.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

~~~~~~~~

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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’ first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, “How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!!!!”

At this the Texan drawled: “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends.”

“““““

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Rays car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over,

Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.

I cant, Ray responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.

Alright, says the cop, then youre going to have to take a blood test.

Cant do that either, Ray responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I wont stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.

Ok, the cop answers then I will need a urine sample.

Sorry, says Ray I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.

Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.

Cant do that either responds Ray.

Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because Im drunk!

“““““

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