Mr. Carter was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl’s junior college. During class one day he asked his student, “Miss Tucker, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”

Miss Tucker gasped, and then said, “Mr. Carter, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.

“With that she sat down red-faced. Mr. Carter then called on Miss Evens and asked the same question. Miss Evens, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

“Correct,” said Mr. Carter. “And now, Miss Tucker, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

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Two blonde carpeters Jim and Jack decided to try to flip a house. Jim was installing hardwood floors and Jack was nailing down siding. Jim was done installing the wood floors, so he came outside to check on Jack. He saw Jack reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

Jim, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

Jack explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”

Jim got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

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A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

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A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 3 inches tall, brown wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 5 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

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