It was Christmas Eve. Carl and Holly had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.

Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Carl was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink.

‘Th’cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth.”

“Help you with a push!” said Carl. “You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!” And slammed the door into the man’s face.

He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.

“How could you be so mean and uncharitable.” she said. “Surely this evening’s sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you.”

Carl was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.

On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. “Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?

The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. “Over here thur, on the thwing.”

Phil, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Phil suggests they go in. Phil addresses the man behind the counter:

‘Are you the owner?’ The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Phil: ‘We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?’

Pharmacist: ‘Of course we do.’

Phil: ‘How about medicine for circulation?’

Pharmacist: ‘All kinds.’

Phil: ‘Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ‘

Pharmacist: ‘Definitely.’

Phil: ‘How about Viagra?’

Pharmacist: ‘Of course.’

Phil: ‘Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?’

Pharmacist: ‘Yes, a large variety. The works.’

Phil: ‘What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?’

Pharmacist: ‘Absolutely.’

Phil: ‘You sell wheelchairs and walkers?’

Pharmacist: ‘All speeds and sizes.’

Phil says to the pharmacist: ‘We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.’

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

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The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?”

The man on the phone responded, “This winter is going to be quite cold indeed.”

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes”, the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: “Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replies, “the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”

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