Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it”, said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

——-

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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied, “The balcony.”

“““““

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A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on holiday down here! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, señor. Sometimes the bull wins.”
“““““

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A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says “Mom, give me my toy.” His mother responds by saying, “What are the magic words?” So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.

The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says “What are the magic words?” So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy’s mother and asks her to come in.

When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; “Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?”

“No,” the mother says, “Why, what did he do?”

“Well, he asked for a juicebox,” said the teacher, “and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said ‘you’re thin and you’re beautiful.'”

“““““

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