Two guys were out on a lake ice fishing
One looks at the other and sees that he’s got a pile of fish, and asks him,
“hey buddy, how’d you catch so many fish and I’m sitting here with nothing?”
“Eep or orms orm” the man grumbled
“What?”
“Eep or orms orm!”
“Buddy, i got no clue what you’re saying!”
The man spat in exasperation and said, “Keep your worms warm!”
“““““
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”. The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll get him together”. So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts “where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”
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An old priest goes and plays golf one sunny afternoon with a young priest fresh out of seminar. The old priest carefully places his ball on the tee, concentrates, and strikes beautifully. However, the wind blows the ball off course and it falls into the rough.
“That goddamn wind!” says the old priest. The young priest turns to him, horrified.
“Sir, you shouldn’t swear like this… Remember, God said unto Moses Thou shalt not take the name of Lord thy God in vain.”
The old priest mumbles a half-hearted excuse and shuffles off to find his ball. He positions himself, checks his grip on the club, and strikes. The ball heads straight toward the hole… then gets blown off course again.
“That GODDAMN wind!” yells the old priest.
The young priest grows pale. “Sir,” he pleads, “you really shouldn’t swear like this.” But the old priest is already walking toward the brush where his ball landed.
He reaches it, and strikes it a third time. The ball gets blown off course yet again and lands right in the middle of a pond.
“THAT GODDAMN WIND!!” screams the priest, throwing his club away in a fit.
“Sir,” the young priest begins, but then there is a mighty flash in the heavens, and the young priest is struck dead by lightning.
The old priest falls to his knees. “God,” he asks, “why did you smite this poor young man instead of me?”
A booming voice echoes through the sky : “That goddamn wind…”
——-
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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours’ male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.” “I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
“It just worked for me,” he replied.
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